2016 ….@@.
It’s a little hard to talk about the past year – actually.
God was so faithful this year and taught me so much that for me in many ways left me feeling foolish and stupid.
I know that that wasn’t God’s intention, but it was the result of where my heart was. And it’s been a humbling experience.
On the surface nothing was wrong. Korea’s still and amazing country, and I still love it’s people, culture, and food – and of course teaching.
…of course I’ve changed – I’ve grown in many ways and new faults in me have been revealed.
My problems lay at the core of what I thought about myself – and what I thought about the Lord.
I hadn’t realized how much I depended on my own efforts and my own provision and strength. It’s easy to seem dependant on the Lord when you have no choice or when you have no lacks – but for me, I came back to Korea to work and get the money for the World Race!
That was my whole mindset – my goal.
My drive – and as always, I was making my checklist and I was going to accomplish the checking of it off.
I did everything I could to try and set that all in motion – and God opened the doors.
I saw that as a clear sign that I was moving in accordance with God’s will, – so I came back to Korea fully anticipating that that meant that God was making the way for me to make the money.
In a way, that only God can do, he’s actually used all of this to teach me that He wants to be my provider.
It happened slowly at first – and gradually increased: God increasingly asked me to help people out financially.
And the truth is, this -on top of daily living -hasn’t allowed me to save anything at all for the World Race.
Month after month I struggled with this catch-22.
Was God really asking me to be generous? How was I supposed to be generous and save the money?
Each month I felt that it was ok – because I’d start saving the next…
but God kept badgering me again the next month.
To say the least – It was an extremely frustrating year.
And at times I just lay in the valley of emotions and felt like a total fool for even dreaming about the World Race. For leaving my church. For leaving my grandparents. for leaving for this “foolishness”.
Don’t get me wrong! There were things I loved about being back – and things I was so grateful for! Especially my church community here in Korea that I joined when I got here.
The fellowship has been AMAZING – and I couldn’t have asked God for more blessings of fellowship and discipleship than I got!
I spent every weekend in deep bible study community and church. I learned so much about myself and God, and made deep impactful relationships.
I am SO grateful for that – and its priceless to me. To have met these siblings in Christ and learned so much and been corrected, and rebuked, and prayed for – mentored and discipled. I am so grateful. Coming for this, was SO worth it.
But for a driven person like me – for me the foolishness of my endeavor and the lack in attaining my goal has hung very heavy on my mind.
The church has a word that they always pray for for the year – a year that they sow into with their prayers and fellowship – and see how God will reveal himself in that way for the year.
This year was the year of rest.
One of my bible study friends when listening to me talk about my frustrations asked me, “Do you think maybe God’s trying to show you something and it’s so simple you’re missing it?”
“NO! there’s no way I’d miss something simple! He knows me! Whatever he wants from me I’d do it – big or small!”
Then near the middle of November God spoke softly to me one sunday morning and it broke me.
“This year was the year of rest,” he said. “Carolyn , I saw your exhaustion and how tired you were after two years with your grandparents, and I brought you back to Korea to rest.”
The messages were all around me. Looking back I could see clearly that he had been telling me all year but I was too busy trying to achieve my goals.
“You strove all year to do what you thought I wanted you to do when all I wanted was for you to rest and trust that I was going to provide for you! I want to be your provider. I want to be the one who is your source of strength and provision. I wanted to bless you with rest this year.”
Wow! That really put me in a puddle of tears.
It’s still hard for me to write this. To say that this year I didn’t achieve anything financially. That I came and I totally failed at saving anything. Deep down I’m struggling with the foolishness I feel.
Another thing that he confirmed by the end of the year was a message I’d been getting all year: the message to take a leap of faith and let God provide for me.
Everything inside me nodded happily – – in total resistance!
I have two hands! I wanted to make the money to do this thing I think he wants me to do!……….why? Cause I could!
I decided to take a leap of faith though and prepare to go on the World Race Fall 2017 instead of in 2018 (my last chance date).
Honestly, I feel like Indiana Jones standing before the chasm, about to leap to my death in an attempt to reach the HolyGrail….
So now that you have the book of my life this year I will ask for prayer.
Please pray that my faith is steady and that I hear all the Lord wants to tell me for this next season.
That I would have eyes to keep on the road of his will for me right now.
Pray that I would have opportunities open for me in the states and that I’d be faithful until the fall and that I would have faith in His provision for my time in ministry with Adventures in Missions/World Race.
Pray for my shaky heart.
This is all pretty much terrifying me.
I don’t like “failing”
and I don’t like letting God provide financially for me….
i feel uncertain and honestly kind of awful about it….
I like clear paths where everything is certain and I know exactly what I am supposed to do and I know how to do it – achieve it – get it done – get there….
I like being self sufficient and able.
This feels like failure and foolishness to me….
but.
I’m leaping – trusting that He’ll provide.
I can’t wait to see Gods heart at work around the world! To build up others in ministry in other countries! To grow with others and with God! To expand my world view and speak into the lives of the broken and hurting! To bind up the broken hearted and lift those who have fallen!
Isaiah 61:1, “The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor… to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve..to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.”
Will you join me???
Is God tugging on your heart to help support my year in ministry?
Of course you can directly send money to me, but for a tax deductible donation towards the ministry I will be involved in this next year, please donate directly to Adventures in Missions! 🙂
You can do so by using the donate link on my blog 🙂
Remember, regardless of my participation in anything this is a tax deductible gift to a non-profit and is non-refundable!
Thanks for already sowing into my ministry with prayers and time reading my heart!
