Before I left home to serve the Lord abroad for nine months, I knew there would be hardship. I knew there would be the testing of my faith. I knew there would be days I wanted to give up and come home. However, there is a tremendous difference between halfway knowing these things as a possibility and experiencing them as a reality. Over the past two months, both leaving Cambodia and living in Honduras, I have experienced significant adversity. My faith has been tested. There have been several days I wanted to give up and come home, but in the depth of affliction Jesus beckoned me, “Do not be afraid. Do not give up. The enemy is small though he casts a daunting shadow. Try he might to convince you otherwise, you are MINE and you are NOT alone. Let me strengthen you in this time. Grow closer to me. Lean and rely on me. Not only are you mine, but I am yours.”
The bible describes the enemy as “the thief.” It does not take a genius to know and acknowledge that theft is wrong and likely unpleasant, but experiencing theft firsthand by a stranger in Cambodia left me feeling more violated than I ever could have imagined I would. I had my purse stolen (which had my phone, credit card, insurance cards, yellow fever card, and diabetic medical supplies in it) on our last night in Cambodia. We were leaving for Thailand the following morning, so there was no chance of the police finding my purse before our departure. I felt a lot of emotions that night and in the days to follow, but I was never angry. For that reason, I know the Lord was with me. He provided me with indescribable peace. I was in Bangkok, Thailand for three days and traveled to our layover in San Francisco without a dollar to my name save for our daily food budget. And I was more than okay. God not only comforted me through this trial, but He taught me and has continued to teach me as time has passed. God taught me that I do not NEED anything. Material comforts are comforts, but not necessities. If I did not have money to buy something to eat, the Lord provided someone to buy me a meal. If I wanted to contact my family, God provided someone to lend me their phone. I have come to love reading the word of God more than anything else. The time I would spend on my phone, be it looking through old pictures or listening to music, I now spend in the word. I am talking hours on end. I do not say this to boast in any way. God Himself has taught me to love and cherish His word. This is not a love I could have produced on my own. God has taught me to thoroughly appreciate each moment. I did not bring my camera on the race. My phone was my camera. In the moments I would normally pull out my phone to capture a moment, God now speaks to me and invites me to more deeply appreciate it. The vastness of a starry sky. The depth of color in a sunrise. The awe striking power in a mountain range. The smile and laughter of a child. I love photos because they allow me to remember the way I felt in a moment, to look back and reflect, but now I cherish every moment and view all the more. Above all, God has taught me that NOTHING compares to simply being in His presence. He is a faithful provider. With Him, I lack nothing. He will always give me exactly what I need.
Psalm 23:1 says, “The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.” The word of God is not meant simply to sound nice. It is not meant to act as a crutch. It is not empty. It is truth. Every word of God is truth. It does not return to Him empty. God does not give us promises as a means of halfheartedly comforting us in a world full of suffering. God gives us promises to cling and hold on to. So that He can fulfill them. So that we can be His and He can be ours in all things just as He intended from the beginning.
Since launching for the world race I have also experienced a lot of sickness. I have had food poisoning eight times in the past 3.5 months, six of which have happened in the last month and a half in Honduras. Because I have an autoimmune disease, I am more prone to illness from micro bacteria. It is also more dangerous for me to be sick in general because dehydration affects my blood sugar levels. The first few times I got sick in Honduras, I was afraid. I would sit outside shivering in the middle of the night and question whether or not I was meant to stay on the race. If I was being foolish by thinking I could live abroad in impoverished countries with a chronic disease. I felt defeated. I felt, in some ways, like the enemy had won. I was not myself anymore. I felt isolated and exhausted. One day I remembered a quote from a wise woman named Eileen Fires, “feelings are real, but that does not mean they are true.” Feelings are not true. They are often deceitful, but God’s world is always true. 1 Corinthians 15:40 says, “There are also heavenly bodies and there are earthy bodies; but the splendor of the heavenly bodies is one kind and the splendor of earthly bodies is another” and 15:42-44 says, “So will it be with the resurrection of the dead. The body that is sown is perishable, it is raised imperishable; it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power; it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body.” All of the sickness, weakness and ultimately one day perishing I have experienced and will experience in this natural body is only preparing me for an imperishable, powerful and indescribably wonderful spiritual body that will last for eternity.
I consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, when I face trials of many kinds. I know the testing of my faith produces perseverance. I must let perseverance finish its work so that I may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. I MUST face trial in order to be complete and lack nothing (a personal rendition of James 1:2-4).
In the midst of suffering, pain can seem inescapable and endless. In the midst of suffering we must cling to the promise that we are more than conquerors in Christ Jesus. We must cling to the promise that God will bring us through trial if only we persevere and trust that He works all things together (the good and the bad) for the good of those who love Him. Having made it through this set of trials I am stronger. I know more of the depth of Gods love. I experience joy more richly having experienced pain. Above all, I trust the Lord more deeply than I ever would have had I not faced trial of any kind. Trial is a part of the Christian life on Calvary road, but that road is the road that leads to life. The road to an eternity with a God who loves more deeply, fervently and endlessly than we could ever comprehend or put into words.
“What a tragic waste when people turn away from the Calvary road of love and suffering. All the riches of the glory of God in Christ are on that road. All the sweetest fellowship with Jesus is there. All the treasures of assurance. All the ecstasies of joy. All the clearest sightings of eternity. All the noblest camaraderie. All the humblest affections. All the most tender acts of forgiving kindness. All the deepest discoveries of God’s word. All the most earnest prayers. They are all on the Calvary road where Jesus walks with his people.” – John Piper’s Don’t Waste Your Life
Through all of these things I have looked back on old prayers I wrote early on in the race asking for growth, sanctification, deeper trust in the Lord and the ability to rely on Him with all that I am. He has brought me to a humble place before Him. He has answered my prayers. Through the hardships He has shown me His goodness. His glory. His provision. His comfort. His Fatherhood. His love. His sovereignty over my body. That I must love Him more than anything I own. That I must trust Him above any other comfort or security. Matthew 6:33-34 says, “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” In the moments I had nothing left in me and desperately needed Him to show up, He did. He comforted me in affliction and held me in His arms. He carries me on hard days and will be my everything for all of my days.
“Don’t forget in the darkness what you learned in the light. Don’t forget in the light what you learned in the darkness.” – an ever true reminder from my dear friend Judi Jackson
Happy Holidays from all of us here in Honduras. I love you and miss you all.
CJ
