Well, this month is coming to an end. In fact, it’s at an end. I’m sitting at an airport (again) and trying to come up with something to say to all you poor people who feel the obligation to read this thing every week. Well either that or my titles are catchy enough that you clicked on it, haha, suckers!
I wish I could tell you something new and different and exiting, but life hasn’t changed all that much from last week. I’m still struggling with all of these conflicting things in me; a desire and longing to go home, a fight to stay present, and (probably as a result of that) an overall exhaustion that has begun infiltrating not only my emotional and spiritual, but also my physical.
It’s funny, but I was on a video call with my family the other week, showing off a bed I got to sleep in because I was excited about it and they noticed that it was seven o’clock my time. They asked me if I was actually going to bed that early. The fact was that on that particular night we had wifi, so I was planning to binge some Grey’s Anatomy, but it started me thinking.
There hasn’t been a lot to do around where we’ve been living this past month. So yeah, when it gets dark we ate dinner and then we spent some time winding down, but ultimately I was in bed and ready to go to sleep most nights by 8:30 or 9:00.
I don’t think there was a real point to that story, I just wanted to share it. We adapted to that schedule, something I would never do in the states, something that’s been pretty foreign to me most of this Race except possibly Nicaragua. We adapted and I didn’t even notice it.
And maybe that’s the point, we’ve gotten extraordinarily good at adapting, at making sure we fit the environment we’re entering into. We make changes and we adjust willingly and readily. They say flexibility is the number one rule on the Race and there’s a good reason for that, I mean you’ve read my account, my blogs, you know what typical Travel days look like, what life has looked like these past several months; the only consistency has been flexibility.
That and change.
And goodbyes.
Goodbyes are still hard. Someone asked recently if, since we were in Month 10, it had become easy. If you were wondering the same question, the answer is no. No it does not. Not in the slightest.
But this has become life. This has become normal. They say it takes six months to adjust to a lifestyle.
Welp.
I’m used to it. Sometimes I don’t like it. Most days I love it. And now I only want to visit every other country on the planet. After I see my family for, like, a week or so. Then I’ll want to call up a few other crazy people (at least eighteen of them) and we’ll all grab our packs again and head out. Because that’s what we do. That’s become our new normal. This isn’t a trip, it’s life.
We stayed in a hostel last night so we could be a little closer to the airport for our flight out of Bali. We got there early enough that we were able to walk around town and explore a little bit.
Now before I continue this story, I have to give you this side note; yes, I’m going down a rabbit hole, but bare with me. Since being in Africa and in many ways because this has become normal life for us, when I see people who are not native to whatever culture we happen to be in, I get this mini shock, like, “wow, they stand out like a sore thumb. Try to blend a little, would you?”
And then I have to laugh because that really just means that I’ve forgotten (again) that I’m white and everyone else around me is not. And I think that just because I’ve gotten used to seeing that color that I have somehow become one of them. Like I can adapt so well I can take on skin color along with learning to dress and sit like them and maybe say a few words in their language.
I’m so ridiculous. But that’s okay.
But on a more serious note, this is what it’s been like. It is getting used to things and it is being flexible; taking a deep breath, nodding and saying, “okay, what’s the plan?” when the plan has just changed for the sixth time that day. It’s listening to others and trying to figure out what’s best for five or six or eight different people instead of just one. It’s thinking about how your decisions even in your off time affect your host and the people you’re working with. It’s fighting to be bold and courageous even when you want to ignore the problem and hope it’ll resolve itself.
Recently a friend told me that from what she’s seen, most of my Race can be summed up in one word; fighting.
I know that at first glance that sounds like a negative thing, but to me it’s a compliment. I’ve been in hard situations before, but I’ve never been so tempted to give up. I’ve been challenged, but never so repeatedly in such a short amount of time.
I’ve fought for relationships, to work things out, to dig into community, vulnerability, intentionality. I’ve fought to see the people around me, to enjoy the countries and experiences I’ve been handed. I’ve fought to figure out who I am and who God wants me to be. I’ve fought to pursue my relationship with God and to figure out what lessons he wants to teach me each month.
Honestly when I see it like that it’s really no surprise to me that I’m tired. I’ve been fighting tooth and nail, day in and day out with only a few breaks for ten months now. I can barely imagine what it’s like for real soldiers who go into real, physical battle and see and witness horrific things for years on end. Whoa.
Anyway.
I think that’s all I have to share with you right now. Thanks for tuning in this time.
Love,
TL
