They told us at launch that most Racers seriously consider going home at some point during the Race. It took me 281 days since leaving Georgia to reach that point, but I got there. This week and this month have been truly difficult in a lot of ways. There’ve been spiritual attacks and a whole lot of other stuff, but most prominent has been this extreme exhaustion that’s been creeping in seemingly slowly, then all at once.
I don’t know that it’s anything I could pinpoint for you; this month has had a lot going on and things build and add to each other. I’ve been looking at what it means to fully rely on the Lord’s strength. Because if I’m using his strength then theoretically I’m not using my own and then I won’t get tired. And that’s what I am, I’m really tired. I am weary in my bones of fighting and trying to do my best when all I want is an endless season of rest.
Sometimes it’s the smallest things that trigger me. The day I had my meltdown it was a good day. A day that I’d consider normal back home. I finished my work early, so I was just putzing around on my laptop, enjoying some wifi and it just hit me that I’d like to finish the day on my swing, listening to my music. Except I can’t because my swing is at home. It’s on the opposite side of the world, across time zones and an ocean. And a month. Five more weeks stand between me and home.
That’s it. This whole year, this adventure, this race, it’s over, completely finished in just a matter of weeks. And that is becoming a little too real in some ways.
I know I’m giving you two very different perspectives right now, one girl longing to be home with all of it’s comforts and the other who is desperate to glean every particle of information, experience, laugh, and moment with these people who’ve become part of my family. Because I am, I want all of those things. The last thing I want right now is to waste time missing home. I am excited to see home again, but it’ll still be there in five weeks.
As much as my body is tired and my soul is ready for rest, my spirit is desperate for everything else I can get out of this trip and I hate that I have to walk through this split in my energy, but for some reason, that’s where I am right now.
So as much as I want to quit, I’m going to put my best foot forward into week five. I’ll let you know how it goes.
Love,
TL
