Hi everyone, I think I need to tell you more of the story. So my last post was shoved out into the world from a place of anger. As if that wasn’t clear enough. And while I don’t want to recant or apologize for anything I said, it’s still the truth, I do want to apologize for the way I said it. Or at least give you a better perspective on where I’m at since I seem to be figuring that one out minute by minute.
But for what it’s worth, here’s what’s going on in this minute; 2:57pm, Cambodia time.
I just got off the journal after a long chat with Dad and he’s made some things pretty clearer to me.
1) I’m dealing with a lot of anger and being easily offended. I think this has a lot to do with the particular brand of spiritual warfare I’m experiencing this month. As usual, I didn’t figure out what it looked like until well after it started affecting me. In situations where I would have been angry or offended, the Enemy is exacerbating those emotions to a gigantic proportion.
2) I’m fighting the hardest I’ve ever fought for what God is trying to give me during this time. I want so badly to be this person God is beginning to reveal to me, but there seem to be no practical steps in how to become her. Other than to keep praying and to try to not be offended by every little thing.
3) Anger is like blood poisoning. God gave me this vision of me bound up and in a padded cell, screaming and raging at everything around me. Jesus came in and sat in a corner, not saying anything, just letting me be. After he loosed my hands, I was free to tear anything and everything; the padding of the cell, my hair, my clothing. I was so, so angry and I could feel it even as I watched myself. But it was really just masking the deep, deep pain inside of me and even though I was using every scrap of strength in my body, nothing was helping.
Until I finally turned to Jesus and demanded to know if he was going to help.
He asked me if I wanted his help.
I told him that I needed it.
So he began the process of drawing the poison out of my veins, of cooling down my hot temper and the rage I felt at the pain, at everything.
And even once he was finished I could still feel the anger, ready at a moment’s notice to swell up and crash over me again. When Jesus showed me the source, just this little thing that had attached itself to my body, I wanted him to rip it off, just get rid of it. But I knew that it would just grow back unless I knew what it represented.
He told me it was the last little bit of myself that I still had to die to.
Dying sucks. It’s the worst.
But I’ve also seen how worth it dying can be.
And if I’m able to die to myself, I know it’ll help me tear down the last of my walls and unlock at least one more part of that person I know I’m supposed to be.
4) So everything remains the same. I have to keep fighting, keep bringing everything to God and my team as well if I need to. I have to do the hard work and keep going through the battle of giving it to God, all the feelings and emotions that are almost out of my control right now. I have to keep fighting to put myself out there instead of hiding behind silence and allowing everyone else to do all the work for the team on my behalf.
So I’m going to keep praying my way through this one. I’d really love to simply reach out to my people back home and have them walk me through this one like they’ve done so many times, but right now at least, they’re probably all asleep. And that forced me to do this thing with God. And it sucked. But you know what else sucked the first time I did it? Being vulnerable, waiting to hear God’s voice, being a part of an intentional community. And all of those things are good. All of those things got easier with practice.
Don’t worry, if you’re one of the people I call when I’m having meltdowns, I’m still going to call. But it’s really good to know I can do it just with me and God. I mean I knew that, I’d just never walked through it all on my own before, not like this. This was something crazy and different. It hurt a lot and by the time I was finished journaling, I felt physically drained.
But I did it. I walked through it. And maybe I’ll have to start over from scratch in the next minute, that would be 3:23pm, Cambodia time. But maybe if I do it’ll get a fraction easier. And again the next time and the next.
Anyway, that’s what I’m hoping and praying for.
Love y’all,
TL
