There’s a lot of things I’m currently learning, but something came up today and since it’ blog day, I guess I’ll write about this one.
Background: last year I had the chance to work with some amazing kids from the inner city and learn a little bit about what their culture, community, and history from their perspective looks like. It really opened my eyes to a lot of the injustice in the world and especially in America right under our noses. A lot of it goes unseen and unexplored because it isn’t pretty, it’s not something we’re proud of. And something I guess I didn’t really realize until about an hour ago is that those facts, those events really bother me. It frustrates and angers me that so many people experienced so much pain and it’s been brushed under the rug. Even more than that, this same culture and demographic is currently experiencing racism and prejudice, it just looks different, it’s adapted itself so it can continue behind the curtain.
It makes me so angry that it’s there and that I can’t really do anything about it. I can have conversations and discussions with people. I can hear the hurt and the pain, the stories, but in the grand scheme of things, what does that accomplish.
Whatever it is, it doesn’t feel like much.
So today when I was handed my food allowance for the week and made a comment about “all the old white guys” on them, one of my teammates made a comment about my comment. It was about the hate in my tone or something along those lines. And that made me angry. Again.
I’m also trying to work on not being easily offended, so I took a minute and journaled about it. This is what I came up with.
“I assume [teammate] is coming from the perspective of ‘our leaders weren’t perfect, but they’re what we had as far as leaders go and they’re dead now so there’s nothing we can do about it.’
“Part of that is fair, but I’m still angry about the injustice of it all, especially when I see first hand, or have seen some of the things that’s been done by white males, specifically our presidents and the atrocities they either made or let happen. It still angers me that there’s nothing I can do, not a lot at least. And when I see our white-washed list of presidents [for the most part], I see the harm they’ve done. And I’m still pissed because so much of it goes unnoticed or gets ignored and brushed over.
“To be fair, a lot of people being stuck in anger like me doesn’t do much good either.
“Maybe this is what you want to teach me about hope; forgiveness. I know I can’t change it, the most I can do is listen and who’s them love I guess. But I’m also tired of the little comments that needle me and the fact that I’m needled by them.
“Please Papa, help me forgive the old white dudes and not be so easily provoked and offended.
“Please help me. I give this to you.”
To be completely honest, I’m not sure why I’m making this my blog post. Other than the fact that I don’t know what else to write about. Maybe it’s to let y’all know where I’m at, that I’m still a work in progress. Maybe it’s to share a bit of my perspective on this issue. Maybe part of it is that even though I’m trying to give this one up to the Lord, it still makes me angry and to be honest, I don’t want to hear many other perspectives on this issue right now.
Maybe that’s super hypocritical of me. No, no maybe about it, it is. Lord have grace with me.
After talking with said teammate, a lot’s been cleared up. And I have a lot to work on.
~TL
