Something I’ve been contemplating a lot this week is my identity in Christ. Shocker, right? I know, it’s not new, but it’s honest; a lot of lessons I learn in life don’t just flip a switch in me when I realize something is true.
I don’t feel like I’m moving forward in this identity thing.
The truth is I’m making leaps and bounds forward.
I feel like I have to slog through the mud to make an inch of progress. Some days the mud is at my ankles. Some days the mud is closer to my eyes.
The truth is sometimes going forward means we have to take a closer look at our past. We have to see where God was moving and work through some stuff we’d rather forget about.
There are days when I’d rather forget everything God is trying to teach me, ignore the people around me, and just shut off the world. It feels too hard and it’s too overwhelming. After all, how is someone supposed to learn and implement five different lessons overnight? They can’t. I can’t. Not by myself anyway.
I’ve had some of those days this week, where it all feels too hard and like too much of an effort. I’ve isolated myself from my people and haven’t sought out the help I needed. There was actually a moment when I ran away from them when they asked me what was going on because I was too overwhelmed to deal with the situation.
But in that situation, the scariest part of it was my reaction. I ran away.
There are probably about a million lessons to be learned through this encounter, but I’m choosing to be encouraged.
Why you ask?
I’m so glad you want to know. Let me tell you.
The worst part of the situation was not that too many eyes were on me all at once, asking me to be vulnerable, it was that I ran away. I know my reaction wasn’t acting out of who God made me to be as TL, it was purely out of my flesh. But that means there’s hope for me. I can recognize that I could have responded better. I’ll know for the next time I’ll be in that situation and hopefully I’ll be able to share instead of clamming up. And if I fail again, that’s okay too because I know my father will provide me with way more opportunities than I want.
See? I’m giving myself grace. I wasn’t able to do that a week ago. 
A wise woman told me this week that there are three parts of the self. The body (our flesh, fleshly desires, etc.), the soul (our personalities, likes, dislikes, what differentiates you from everyone else), and the spirit (the part of us that connects to God, holy, untainted, our truest selves and who God calls us to be.) We’ve been trained to act out of the flesh so much, that when we’re not paying attention and until a new habit forms, that’s what we fall back on. I’ve been acting as Carole for twenty three years. So even though I’ve always been TL and always will be, chances are I’ll fall back into Carole from time to time.
The key though is to remember who I actually am through all of that. I can act like Carole, but that’s not who I am.
The truth is I am a princess. (Yes, I’m still getting used to that one.)
The truth is I am beautiful. I am strong. I am brave. I am free.
The truth is I am both a capable and fierce warrior in my Father’s forces and a carefree child. I don’t have to worry about the destination or the details or what comes next. My job is to enjoy the ride.
The truth is, at the end of the day, I am my Father’s daughter. His arms are my safe space. He is my confidence. He knows everything about me and he likes me. I look like him and the family traits are in my DNA. That is my truest self; a daughter of the most high king and it is his opinion that matters.
In other news, we had our last day of work today at Casa de Niños (CANI). The soccer field we’ve been building is just about finished, but we played a little game with the President of the school, Jorge and his kids and our ministry host, Gabee and her sister Sophia to christen it. So today, I played soccer.
Was I good at it? No, but because I’m so competitive I end up playing really hard with no real idea what to do with my body. So I ran into a few people, some harder than others, but at least I was a force to be aware of if not reckoned with.
After that we had some more traditional Guatemalan food called Ceviche – tomatoes, shrimp, and lots of cilantro, all thoroughly doused in soy sauce and eaten atop a saltine.
Yesterday we didn’t get to see many kites at the festival, but we had a great time driving around in the car with Sophia and Gabee and trying other traditional foods like a coconut candy made with milk and cinnamon. (So. Good.)
We found out that Guatemalans fly the kites as a way to help the souls of their dead rise to heaven. On the Day of the Dead, it is customary for families to visit the graves of their loved ones, clean it up, decorate with flowers, confetti, and or pine needles, and then have a picnic next to the ones they’ve lost.
Bex, Lo and I took some time to walk through the cemetery the other day, just to see what was going on. It was weird to be there with them as they celebrated their loved ones who passed on. Cemeteries tend to strike me as a useless pursuit, after all, once you’re gone there’s only a few years of time when people will remember who you were and the impact you had on them. Then you’re just ashes in a box with a really expensive rock sitting on top of you. But I digress, that’s a conversation for another time.
But it’s been so interesting to get to spend time here and it was really hard to leave our ministry for the last time today. One teammate told me it was harder for her to leave the people than the country, but I think the two are kind of intertwined for me. When I think of Guatemala, I’m going to think of bright colors, soccer fields, volcanoes, Gabee, Sophia, and Jorge.
Yep, so that’s the update for now, some of my thoughts. Next up is debrief in Antigua. Can’t wait to see the rest of the squad, then on to Nicaragua.
Much love,
TL
