To my dear child,
I’m calling you deeper and I’m calling you higher. Will you come? Will you sacrifice all that you know and all that you are? Do you understand what I’m asking of you? It’s a lot. It’s not just a lot, it’s everything. Are you willing to be remade?
The crazy thing is you don’t have to do much, almost nothing at all. All you have to do is want this, want me more than anything else. More than comfort, more than security. More than peace and quiet, more than rest. More than being with the family you know and trust.
Do you want me more than anything else? Because if you can, if you do, I promise you I will show you a love sweeter than honey. I will show you a life full of adventure and joy and no fear. I will give you the best thing in the world; more of me.
But that’s not to say it’s easy to find, that’s not to say it’s painless to get to. There will be all kinds of heartache and persecution, but be faithful my child and I will show you the joys and treasures of my heart.
I know that in some ways it seems like I’m punishing you for who your experiences have made you, for coming after me, but the refining process is by definition, a place of high pressure. Even when you feel like you’re backtracking, you’re still making your way toward me. It’s not that I don’t love you, it’s that I see places where you can do and be so much more.
I love you.
Love, Papa
The Adventures in Missions (AIM) staff have this idea for the race called take one/leave one. It’s the concept of if you take something from a country, you also leave something behind. Sometime this is super practical, like leaving a shirt behind because you bought another one. It also (in theory) keeps your backpack at approximately the same weight. But it can also apply to less concrete ideas.
Maybe God opens your eyes to a new gift he’s given you or you find out something about yourself that you never knew before. It’s a good thing to take with you what will help you on this journey, whether it’s physical or metaphysical.
This past week, as my so short time in Guatemala is beginning to come to a close, I’ve been asking God what he wants of me. Above is a letter from God to me that I wrote in my journal, but I hope it speaks to you too. But it also touches on a major theme of this month.
In my pursuit of the Lord, or anyone’s for that matter, he tells us to deny ourselves, pick up our cross and follow him. For me right now, that looks like walking in the identity he has given me, who he says I am instead of the person the world or even I say I am.
A couple of my teammates pointed out a few days ago that even though I’m going by TL now, I still respond strongly to Carole, as though it’s not just twenty three years of practice, it’s something deeper. After a lot of prayer God revealed to me that there are some essential differences between TL and Carole, so bear with me here as I talk about myself in the third person.
Carole has a habit of allowing herself to be consumed by fear. That can be fear of man, particularly people’s opinion of me or what they’ll think of me when I ________. Carole worries about getting places on time and becomes stressed out even if she’s not late. She becomes anxious about money and she has a hard time trusting God and what he can do instead of man and what she has seen to be “truth” in the natural. She allows others to define her in both good opinions and bad, but in order to never be hurt, she is the one who has the lowest opinion of herself.
TL is the opposite. She knows who she is and she is defined by the knowledge that she is a daughter of the King. That means she knows her father, she is familiar with him, and she knows her place at the table. And because her father is at the center of her life and her love, whatever he says about her is the ultimate truth.
(Part of me is noticing right now that what I just wrote sounds like a seriously unhealthy relationship and if it were written about anyone else other than God, it would be, wouldn’t it? But maybe that’s why so many of us fall into them; we’re desperate for that relationship and intimacy that we were designed to have, but we can only truly find it in the Father.)
Okay, that was a side note, back to the main point.
Every worry, every anxiety, every fear has to flee in the presence of the Father and that is where TL lives; in the presence of her dad. TL knows her past and knows that it is being redeemed and transformed with every step she takes in the light of her father’s love. TL knows grace. She has faith that her dad isn’t finished with her, but she still knows who she is and chooses to walk in it.
It’s a process, but one I’m choosing every day.
Once when asked about how he carved “David,” Michelangelo said, “I . . . simply carved away everything that wasn’t David.” That’s how Papa looks at us, like the most stunning work in progress he’s ever seen and the final product is going to be breathtaking. I just have to keep saying yes. Keep letting him wreck me in every way imaginable and more. Keep choosing to walk in TL. And piece by piece, I’ll leave that fear, that desperate need to please and be loved by others, behind. Bit by bit, I’ll say goodbye to Carole.
Much love y’all,
TL
