To paraphrase The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, “if a wave comes when you’re standing in the ocean, you have two choices, you can either jump into the wave or let it knock you over.”
The hardest part of this week has not been the ministry, though wheelbarrowing gravel for a soccer field for multiple hours in the hot sun can take the energy right out of you. And trying to be helpful in a classroom of kindergarten students where no one speaks a lick of English can be frustrating. But no, the kids were so much fun to hang out with and it turns out you can communicate pretty well with gestures and I can grade exams on counting and telling time like a boss.
No, the hardest part has been living in intentional community, trying to love each other to the best of our ability while accidentally stepping on each other’s toes. I’ve lived in a wide range of living spaces, everything from feeling completely misunderstood and like my voice doesn’t have weight and doesn’t matter to being intimately understood without any effort on my part.
But this is trying to love each other without any real foundation of knowing each other. This is living together and even in a large house feeling like we’re on top of each other with minimal breathing room.
Cue alumni saying, “welcome to the race.”
While I learn about others, I am learning about myself. For example, if everyone else in the room is indecisive, I will take the lead, but if there are other, louder voices in the room, I tend to withdraw, not even sure if I want to be heard. I really have no idea what that says about me. Maybe I’ll figure that out later.
There have definitely been a few rough patches, just keeping everyone else in the forefront of our brains, putting their needs and wishes above our own, learning how to bless them. I see myself as a generally selfish person, so this is really hard for me, especially when we’ve spent a long day at work and all I want to do is go home and shower, not stay in the city and wander around the streets and just find stuff to do.
But God is good and some days are definitely easier than others so I do end up having the energy to continue on and explore this gorgeous city and it’s sweet people.
I guess along with that, I’ve been learning more about my identity in the Lord. We had to do something call a “Journey Marker” as an exercise for our admin team. This week’s lesson talked a lot about baptism and what it means to turn from what you were and become something new. In that vein of thought, they asked us to consider what parts of ourselves we were putting on for show to make us seem more likable, funny, normal, etc. to the people with whom we interact. I’ve spent a lot of time in the past trying to figure out who I am and who I’ve become for the people around me. And like I said earlier, I think I mostly hide because it has been my repeated experience that who I am is too big or too loud or too whatever to fit into most people’s versions of “acceptable.”
One area I’d love to grow in would be believing in every part of my being that what God says about me is the truth. I think my head is there, but it forgets and as for my heart, well, it’s getting there, but not totally going along with the program yet. I could use some serious breakthrough there.
I have had some sweet words of encouragement a couple days ago. It was so cool to get to hear from some people back home, share what was going on with me, and get some of their feedback. I think the overall message is, even when it’s hard, stay the course. When it gets too hard fall into the Father’s arms. Heck, when anything’s happening, when it’s not happening, fall into those arms. I know from experience, they’re a seriously beautiful, peaceful, burden-free place to be. There’s so much freedom there. Maybe that’s what I really want, to know the true freedom of knowing who I am and loving her because she’s someone God loves more deeply than words can express.
In other news, today was the last day of school for our Guatemalan kids. Hopefully the pictures I took come through. They got dressed in graduation caps and gowns today for a quick photoshoot. The cutie with the killer smile is Dilan (DI-lan). He is so endearing and loves trying to get me to tickle him so he can collapse into my laugh in a gale of giggles. The savvy sweet thing with me is Francesca. We had a lot of fun pretending that I couldn’t count to ten in Spanish (one of my few accomplishments in the language. Most of my conversations ended in “no habla Espanol” (I don’t speak Spanish) or “no se” (I don’t know). See folks, I’m picking up the essentials.) And last but not least, we have Dulce (Dul-say) and Genesis (soft G, emphasis on the I).
I’m sure there’s more I’m forgetting, but that’s it for now. We’re headed to Lake Atitlan tomorrow morning for adventure day, hopefully get some cliff diving in, whoooo!
Oh, and last week for adventure day we hiked a volcano in the area named Pacaya (named after a vegetable. What? Who decides these things?) and we got to roast marshmallows on the top where the lava was still hot. It was pretty awesome!
Okay I think that’s all. Here are some pics of me from this week. Pacaya, macadamia pancakes, etc.
All the love,
TL
