Dear Beautiful People of My Heart,
I’d apologize for the radio silence, but I’m really not that worried about it to be honest. I’ve wanted to write a blog since we got to Guatemala, but there’s just so much to take in and process and share that it’s hard to know where to begin.
We are staying in a town called Ciudad Vieja a few minutes outside of Antigua and everything here is gorgeous. Our hostel is named Casa de Feugo or House of Fire. (Please see blog post Testimony of My Tattoo for how cool that name is.)
In reality it is thus named because it looks out on the active volcano Feugo along with a couple other inactive volcanos such as Agua and Accatenango. Side note: we are hoping to trek the two day hike up the latter in order to see Feugo in the morning light for one of our adventure days.
It feels like we are staying in the Ritz of hostels; everything is beautiful here from the view of volcanos out our window to the super comfy mattresses we get to sleep on, to the golden retriever named Barley who greets us with uber enthusiasm when we get home from work each day. To see some more of the hostel, I’m attaching a video below. Please be gracious with it, as it is my first attempt at something like this.
A typical day looks like getting up around 5:30 or 5:45, getting ready for the day, making lunch, and having a quiet time and breakfast before heading out to the end of the drive to catch the “chicken bus.” This is really a repainted school bus that, in the morning should seat forty, but we cram upwards of seventy into it. We pay two or three Quetsals per person, (ten Quetsals are approximately the equivalent of one dollar), get off in Antigua, and then catch our second bus to San Isidro where our ministry is to help out in a small Christian school in the morning. In the afternoon, after the kids go home for the day, we work for another hour or so on the beginnings of a soccer field on their property. Right now that looks like digging a ditch for irrigation.
After that, we’ve been heading into Antigua to explore, hit up coffee shops, and try the local cuisine. Authentic Guatemalan food is a lot like Mexican, only better than what is in the States because . . . well, just because.
Anyway, out team has also made it a practice after dinner to take some time and give each other feedback. This can be encouragement, verbally applauding someone for something great they did during the day, or even lovingly calling each other out on something we can be doing better. It’s hard, but it is such a blessing and a little bit of a relief to live in community where your teammates, who are also your family are actively watching you to encourage you and call you higher in love.
Okay, so that’s the outside stuff, now for some stuff that’s happening on the inside.
As I mentioned in a previous post, I’ve been struggling with people’s perception of me; how I want them to see me versus how I think they see me. (Notice God’s opinion does not naturally come into play. Just wait, we’re getting there.) Over the past few days, I’ve caught myself several times caring how my teammates see me and struggling with whether or not I’m good enough or liked enough. But every time I find myself in that place, I have to remember that they love me just the way I am, that I don’t have to try harder or be funnier or comb over every word I say just to make sure it’s okay.
It’s exhausting to do that and I’m tired of it, but the prayers for change overnight have yet to be fulfilled. Still, being a work in progress means that I am making progress and God is so faithful. Little by little, I am coming to know my identity in Him.
I don’t have to fear rejection.
I don’t have to worry about messing up, being good enough, or being too much.
I am created to be just who I am, God’s just refining that person. Trying to be anyone or thing else is an insult to my creator.
I am brave and free.
I should probably wrap it up here, but I’m going to keep writing because more stuff is happening in me and if my blog post is too long for you, well, I’m not going to apologize.
Some of the people in the Adventures in Missions team in Guatemala told us we should figure out goals for the month and goals for the year. I came up with a long list of things, but mostly it can be summed up into greater intimacy with God, stepping further into my identity as his daughter, and learning how to better love the people around me who are also his creations.
Looking back at this list though, I started to wonder how on earth I could possibly accomplish all my goals in such a short time. I mean, what did I have to do to get there? How was it going to be that much different than a year in the States? How is just going from country to country and learning about people and different cultures going to change how I walk with the Lord?
I count five “I’s” in the last paragraph, that’s one more than the number of sentences within it, cluing me in that I’m probably looking at this from the wrong perspective and asking the wrong questions.
I don’t know how God is going to accomplish that much or what steps he’s going to take to get us there. All I know is that I crave a deeper intimacy with him, I’ve acknowledged that, and I’ve asked him to do something about it. And if any of you know anything about God, that’s basically giving him the license to take a wrecking ball to me and build me up again in whatever way he sees best.
The good news about that is that he will build me up again and it will be a better version of the Carole you know.
Oh, that’s another thing. Because our hosts’ names this month are Carol and Craig, I have asked my team to call me TL after a nickname God gave me last year. I’ll decide later if I want to share with y’all what that’s about.
The last thing (I think, or for now) is that God’s been talking to me about time. After being anxious during a quiet time, I have to give over the control of time. Logically, I have no control over time, none of us do, but I was feeling anxiety during my time with God over whether or not I’d have time to make a sandwich. It’s so silly and it’s a work in progress again, but I’ve asked my teammates to keep my accountable to staying relaxed and relying on God. After all, if we’re a couple minutes late, that’s completely understandable in an events, rather than time-based society like the one we’re in now.
Well, that’s all my thoughts for now, the openness of my heart etched on paper. If you made it this far, cool, drop me a comment and let me know your thoughts or what in this post stood out to you.
Love y’all,
TL
P.S. The video of the house is taking it’s darn sweet time loading. Hopefully I’ll be able to post it in the next few days.
