I miss home. I miss going to chickfila for an 8 count meal and chocolate milkshake. I miss sitting on the couch after a long day and sitting in air conditioning and then putting on my sweatpants and sweatshirt. I miss hot showers where I get completely clean. If I took a bath right now, the water would probably be completely brown. It took me a couple moments on Saturday to pull myself together after hearing my moms voice on the phone. I miss playing games with my friends from home. I miss the internet and the wifi not taking an hour for a blog to post. I miss my favorite coffee shop. I miss my bed. I miss warm chocolate chip cookies. I miss having a normal conversation with someone on the phone and not having to say what’d you say or can you hear me now every 5 seconds. And I hate that I’m not there for my family right now with my aunt being in the hospital.
Yesterday was hard. God was breaking my heart for someone. I told my team I wasn’t going to ministry. I needed to be by myself.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m cut out for this. Am I made to be a missionary? Because I’m not feeling it today. I actually just want one day where I can have a cold glass of water, or have a cold glass of chocolate milk after a run. Those are the things I want sometimes.
I love where I am but it’s hard. There’s still good days and bad days. It’s hard being away from your safe place. Away from the people where I feel completely known yet still loved, the place where I’m at rest. Where I can sit and feel rest. I have to remind myself some days that I’m always at home wherever I go because I bring heaven wherever I go, and that’s my real home.
Thankfully, God has blessed me with a team that makes me feel known and loved and who I can rest with. We feel more and more like family every day. I have even accidentally called them “my family” a couple times instead of “my team.” But it’s still hard. It’s hard even when you know you’re living in obedience and you know where you’re supposed to be and you know you’re with the people you’re supposed to be with.
I guess until the race, I didn’t realize how good I had it and how much comfort surrounded me. There’s not a whole lot of physical comfort in other countries.
But it’s not about comfort.
Last weekend we went to a long neck village. There were only about 4 believers there and they wanted so badly for the rest of the village to know the Lord. So we prayed for them and we encouraged them. But then I got to thinking. Do we see our neighborhoods as “unreached?” Do we want our neighbors to know Jesus that badly? Do we step outside our comfortable safe place and take a walk when God tells us to because someone needs to hear His name?
Their comfort is in Jesus.
These past 2 and half months, I have seen the power of testimony. We are meant, as the body of Christ, to share our testimonies. Because God is good. And He’ll do it again.
Just like in these kids lives. One little girl is named Julia. She was found on a roof. Her mom is mentally disabled and not able to take care of her so Julia lives here, taken care of by the village. And then there’s Abigail. She was disowned by her family because she committed her life to Jesus. She tried to share Jesus with them but they didn’t want to hear it. Yet she’s the most joyful person here. She shares what Jesus has done in her life every day and she’s only 15.
Because of these testimonies and God’s promises, I’ll keep going and I’ll keep running the race. The race described in Hebrews, “Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.”
So there it is. It’s not about me. I’m not here for me. I’m here for them. So tomorrow I’ll get up. And I’ll die to myself. And I’ll continue to run this race. In turn, He will continue to perfect me. I’ll run the race set out before me. Because, as Paul said in Philippians, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. It truly is a daily thing.
I’m choosing to keep the main thing the main thing. For the joy set before me.
