Anxious feelings.
A reoccurring struggle.
A dark place that I will never return to.
It always surprises me when I have anxious feelings. I think it surprises me the most because it’s unexpected. Anxiety is who I used to be. Anxiety used to define me. It used to engulf me, because I let it.
I know that I have triggers. Things that set me off.
Most recently, I heard the news of the Parkland School shooting. Talk about school shootings always bring me back to the FSU library, my most unsafe place.
It brought me flashbacks. It brought me nightmares. It brought back feelings of anxiety. It washed an uneasiness over me.
Because I let it. I basically welcomed the enemy in.
I gave him space to breed fear.
And at the same time, I held it all in. Afraid no one would understand. That no one would want to talk about it.
I felt shame for feeling anxious.
Yet, what I didn’t realize, was that this was the enemies plan all along.
I let myself fall down a dark hole because I was chasing freedom instead of chasing the Father’s heart. I thought that I could outrun these anxious thoughts, that I could control them on my own and that I could make them go away.
But, that’s the problem with thinking that we are the ones who are the fixers.
This is what one of my favorite songs has to say about anxiety:
“He’s giving us our breath back.
We don’t have to wait for an outcome to breathe.
Jesus doesn’t bypass the process. He dignified every human emotion, everything that causes me to be anxious and frantic, Jesus lived it. He gives us the realization of breath. Jesus is revealing how close He actually is. He has been in the middle the whole time.
The missing peace to anxiety.
You were made to breathe easy.
Jesus gets down on the ground in the middle of my panic attack and He doesn’t leave me there.
Immanuel has better plans.”
When we chase freedom, we end up further away from both the Father’s heart and the freedom that we so desperately desire.
When we draw near to the Father’s heart, we follow His better plan, and because of that, get to taste and see the freedom He so desires for us. When we draw near to the Father’s heart, He gives us our breath back.
It’s like a spiral. As we continue to draw near to the His heart, we feel the same bump along the way. The same hurt, the same feelings of grief, the same pain. It’s not because we are regressing, but because as we draw more and more near to Him, we face this same bump over and over as it manifests itself in a different way. It’s a healing process. One that the Lord has prepared for us.
He is in the process. He knows what we need. He gives us enough breath every morning to sustain us. He draws us close, as we draw near to Him.
May this be a constant reminder that reoccurring struggles don’t mean regression.
Because He doesn’t leave in the midst of pain and heartache and hurt.
He grabs us by the hand and shows us the way out.
He is the missing peace to anxiety.
He gives us breath.
Press on, friends. For He is carrying us through to the end.
So much love,
Car
