I vividly remember the day that I started feeling unsafe in my own body. It was November 20, 2014. I was with some of my roommates and friends, working on a paper in the library.
A boy ran up the stairs, crashed into a huge standing globe, and everyone on the floor took out their headphones to see what was going on. Right after that, we heard the gun shots. Someone else ran upstairs shouting “run, there’s a gun.” We hid in the back of the library for what felt like years, waiting for the all clear. All of us were searched by police officers with shields and large guns, there were police dogs, even though the shooter had been captured, I still didn’t feel safe, and I definitely didn’t feel cared for.
I think that I have felt a sense of anxiousness for my whole life, but that night was the start of an uncontrollable anxiety. I thought I could shove it down. I thought I could make light of it. I thought I could call it nerves and be okay.
Before launch, I talked with my doctor and started anxiety medication. I was scared and nervous. I thought the medicine would turn me into a robot. I thought it would hurt me. But then one of my sweet friends told me that the medication was only going to make me a better version of myself. It was only going to make me more like the creation that Abba created me to be.
Fast forward to two weeks ago: I began asking my mom if she would be willing to talk to the doctor about the possibility of changing my medicine. I wasn’t sure what that looked like, but I knew that something needed to change, or my anxiety was going to overtake me, because the uncontrollableness was back. I would wake up in the mornings feeling like I couldn’t actually breathe. I felt heaviness on my chest. Yet, I couldn’t figure out what was making me feel that way.
My mom is gracious and loving and kind. She talked with the doctor, and sent me an email saying that because I wasn’t in the states, the doctor was not able to change my medicine until I got home. I was devastated. I was in a really dark place.
But Papa redeems all things, right?
On Saturday, we did team worship before going to village ministry and this is what I wrote in my journal:
“I feel more free today than I have felt in the 3 months that I have been on the race.
I had a vision from the Lord, that I am sitting in the middle of a dark room with a light that keeps flickering on and off. A person enters the room, and offers me his hand. When I take it, the light turns on, and stays on.
Then, as I continued to worship and raised my head to the ceiling, I felt the sun on my face and I was brought back to a vision that my sweet friend, Carson, gave me. She said that she envisioned me walking through a field of wildflowers hand in hand with the Lord, and He was showing me all of the things that He has in store for me, and all of the growth that He has for me. The Lord cares so deeply for the flowers, won’t He care for His children even more. I feel free today. I can breathe because He gives me breath. I can be vulnerable because the Lord sustains me and He wants me to invite other people to walk through this with me, because when I shed light into dark places, He makes beauty from ashes.”
Anxiety used to be something that I struggled with, but I have begun to realize that the enemy gets a foothold where we are weak. I am learning more every single day about what it looks like to give my anxiety to the Father. I never realized what it meant, but now I understand that I walk in so much favor from the Lord that I don’t need to be anxious. Because when I surrender myself to Him, He will carry me, my brokenness and my burdens, without complaint.
I am learning every single day to say yes to the Lord, to His provisions, His new mercies, to His light. I am learning what it looks like to choose Abba every single day.
Because when we choose Him, all His promises are yes and amen.
so much love,
car
