“Do you trust me?”
The question didn’t pop in my head but in my spirit as we slipped and slid up the twisting mud road to a village tucked away in the mountains of Thailand. At first, I thought God was asking me to prepare my heart for falling off the side of the mountain with the next fishtail of the ministry truck. Looking back, still fully alive, I see exactly what He was asking me.
“Do you trust me with your relationships back home?
Do you trust me with your family?
Do you trust me with your finances?
Do you trust me to provide enough support to keep you on the Race?
Do you trust me to provide a job and give you clarity when you go home?”
The directness of the question startled me. In awe of the beautiful mountain scape, I quickly answered, yes. Of course I do, God. You have been so good to me.
But a week later, sitting in a coffee shop on our last day in Thailand, I was overcome with anxiety.
Maybe I don’t.
I feel like I have grown the most in intimacy with the Lord this past month in Thailand. Driving through mountains to our ministry sites, climbing up waterfalls, and swimming in crystal clear water on island adventures has created a month of feeling God close by. I have always felt God the strongest and most tangibly when I stand in His creation. When I stand in the beauty He made, I see nature doing exactly what it was created to do. Mountains, rivers and oceans that declare the great creativity of our God.
Yet He chose me.
He died for me.
He endured shame, rejection, and suffering for me.
Why would I doubt He would provide for me in each area of my life? He is my Father and I am His child.
As I continue on the race I am growing in faith and intimacy with God, but through that I am discovering His character. He is a true father. His timing is ALWAYS divine and His provision is ALWAYS provided.
But faith also needs endurance. Endurance to keep believing in His character and press into intimacy with Him. When it’s hard, when I see evil at work, when I feel dry. To posture my heart and life so that even if His answer is ‘no’ or I feel overwhelmed by this world, I choose to press into intimacy with Him because knowing Him is the whole point.
How can I say I love you to someone I don’t know?
Teaching in schools, playing with children who are orphaned, and preaching in villages, has filled my heart to the brim.
But do I trust God?
After taking a few weeks to examine that question, I can honestly say that I’m learning to trust Him. I find trusting Him is the same as loving Him. It’s not a feeling or an infatuation, it’s a choice. I am choosing to trust Him. I’m pressing into a relationship with a God that presses back.
The more I know Him, the more I feel known by Him.
I am choosing to trust in His character and choosing to love Him based on that character. As I do this I find that my fears are fading and my anxiety is going away. Remember I said learning. It’s a process and it requires practice and endurance. But as we draw near to God, He is faithful to draw near to us (James 4:8).
So now I ask, do you trust God?
2 “Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. 3 For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4 So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.”
James 1: 2-4
