My whole life I thought I knew who I was. I thought I knew whose I was. If identity was brought up I could easily comeback with my identity is in Christ. I am daughter of the King. I am my Beloveds. And these statements were all true. They are all so beautifully true! But I said them without truly knowing what they meant. I fiddled around with these lines like they were not precious words of gold.
There were many things that were hindering me from truly knowing the truth in these statements. I never wanted to acknowledge how unsure of who I really was. Of how unconfident I am in my identity. It seems so easy for others. “My identity is in Christ.” It was easier just to say the words then to let go of my pride and dig up the wounds that were causing me to doubt my identity. When I brought to the surface those wounds I began to find freedom in who I am in Christ.
Four years ago life was grand. My reputation defined me as a good person. My identity was known by my actions. I was okay with that. The truth was I didn’t know identity went any deeper then that. One day that identity that I valued so much was put in the spotlight with lies made up about me that wrecked my reputation. People began to question who I was. They began to question the reputation I built up. See if I had known my identity then this would not have phased me to the extent it did. But I didn’t know. I didn’t know my true Identity. What God said about ME. ME specifically. I thought what others thought of me and how they saw me as a good Christian and a person who makes good choices was more important. If only they would just like me. And then they didn’t. They questioned my intentions and I was done. If “not sinning” only gets people to question me and second guess my intentions then why would I do it? So I began not to care. What did it matter anyways? It shouldn’t matter what people think of me (and it shouldn’t).
The following four years were a journey of diving head first into sin. Not realizing why God calls us not to sin. Facing the shame and guilt and depression that follows sin. Realizing the good choices I made were good, but made with the wrong intentions. They should not have been made to please others or my parents but should have been made to honor and please God. I did not know I was a sinner, I just thought I could sin or not sin. When I realized I was a sinner, but God gives me grace, I found freedom. I then began to pursue God realizing He was the only thing that could satisfy me. None of the choices I was making could satisfy. Nothing of this world could satisfy. He ripped me of all my own desires for my life. He continually pursued me. He kept pursuing me. Jesus was always pursuing me!! He never stopped. I started to care again. I knew the Lord called me, had plans for me. I knew it mattered. And I was on fire for the Lords plans for my life.
But I never acknowledged that wound from years ago. The wound that wrecked my identity. The one that caused me to question who I was and to forget everything I was.
I threw away the identity of reputation for an identity of not caring. But during this whole process I never truly found my true identity…
My identity is in Christ!!! That’s it. That’s my answer. When you asked me that, that would be my answer. Then I would submerge all doubts of who I was so far deep inside of me that I couldn’t acknowledge the truth…. who actually am I? … who actually does God say I am?
That’s what I was faced with this past month. It was my turn to share my testimony. As I began writing out my testimony there were parts of it I hadn’t acknowledged to be apart of it before. But this wound had to be part of it. It affected my choices and how I thought of myself. But I have never talked about it. I’ve never shared it with anyone. It is not that big of a deal. I probably shouldn’t share it because in the big scheme of things it really isn’t that big of a deal. But the Lord kept whispering to me…. Calli you need to share. Its something that I can use for my glory. You need to stop hiding this. But in order to share it I had to bring it to the light. I had to dig so far inside of me to the places I buried it to. And I did. I shared this part with my team. I shared this hurt and then there was freedom and then the truth started to resonate. But before the truth could find a home, I began to question everything I am? WHO AM I!?!!
So this past month the Lord began to reveal to me who I truly am. Yes, I am His, but what does He say specifically about ME.
Lord, who am I in you!?
Let your truth be all I hear today.
Lord I want to please you, not people.
I am not good enough!
I am so inadequate!
… no no no hush Calli, that’s not what truth says. Okay okay then what does truth say?
My past doesn’t define me.
What others say about me doesn’t define me!
Fear of man!? Why am I so afraid of what others think of me!!!
Lord get rid of this lie that’s consuming me.?
It only matters what you think of me Lord!?
If I am weird or crazy.. you love that about me!!
But Lord, I know these things … I know the truth… but where’s the freaking confidence!? Because honestly I feel so not confident in this truth right now.
Lord, give me confidence so I can walk freely with soooo much JOY in who I am and my identity in you!!!
Those are pretty much my thoughts and prayers this past month.
And of course, our last night in Argentina we talked about identity… we didn’t just talk about it, but every chain in the room about lies of our identities were shot to the ground. The Holy Spirit intervened and said the enemy will not win here. You will leave this place with more confidence in who you are, if you are not sure tonight, you will at least begin the desperate pursuit of finding your true identity…
As Taylor Swift would say… the old Calli is dead.. the way she mellowed in self doubt is dead. The new Calli has emerged. She is not where she out to be, but she’s on the journey of finding true joy and confidence in who her dad says she is.
Hello, my name is Calli Elizabeth Bigham.
Calli means most beautiful. Elizabeth means oath of God, God is satisfaction. Bigham means a small island or piece of land surrounded by streams.
I am loved by my father. He sees me as beautiful. Not as man sees, from the outside, but He sees my heart and calls me beautiful from the inside out. I am full of joy! I love to smile and laugh. I walk confidently in the child-like faith God has given me. Man does not define me. Only what the Lord sees matters. I am powerful and my voice deserves to be heard. I am different. I am set apart. I long for the presence of the Lord. He satisfies my soul and my deepest desires are for the Lord. I love people. I love the light and beauty that shines through them! I am a fighter- a fighter for people, for more, and for others to see their fullest potential.
This is what the Lord says about me. From this day forward I strive to walk in confidence of who the Father says I am.
Wounds from the past do not define me. I am still working on this, its still so fresh, but everyday I know this truth now. I know the words that the Father has spoken specifically about me. He hears me. He sees me. He has given me gifts, specifically. Even if I begin to doubt, the enemy can not, will not, grab ahold of me because the Father has spoken to me! I walk in freedom in who I am!
I am a child of the King. I am my Beloveds. These are no longer statements I casually proclaim but attributes that define my DNA.
