I am telling this story to all you World Racers not because it’s funny or exciting, but because I learned a lot about myself and a lot about feedback. This has been a hard blog for me to write, but I think that the lessons in feedback are well worth sharing with you all.
It all started with a little fork, more like the absence of a fork. I was eating my chicken tacos, when the insides started to spill out of the tortilla and onto my plate. I finished my taco and then wanted to eat the food that spilled onto my plate however I lacked a fork, so I asked “Can I have a fork?” Our host got up and got a fork for me; I said thank you and the night went on. Later that evening I received feedback on my fork question. The feedback went something like this: Caleb, I know that heart your behind your question ‘Can I have a fork?’ came off a little harsh. You asked the question as if you were entitled a fork. I tried to handle the feedback as best as I could but I was taken back. What? I definitely didn’t feel like I was entitled to a fork, but I held all my thoughts to myself and decided to reflect and pray on the feedback. After I reflected and prayed I realized that I didn’t ask the question very positively; I could have volunteered to get up and ask where the forks where. However, I definitely didn’t feel like I had asked the question out of my “entitlement”.
A week and a half later, we were eating supper and I noticed that I was missing a fork. Everyone else had a fork, but we were one short, so I asked “Can I have a fork?” Someone got up from the table and got me a fork; we finished our supper and started team time. I received feedback on my fork question. Again the word entitlement was used. Also my past fork feedback was mentioned again. I felt called out for something small and insignificant, after all I was just simply missing a fork. Again I tried to take the feedback as best as I could, I kept my thoughts to myself, and prayed about this feedback and the word entitlement.
The next day I had an amazing conversation with the person who gave me the feedback. We discussed how we could have made that feedback better, I mentioned just asking where my head/heart was in asking for a fork. I explained how I saw the two situations very different. During the first fork question, I asked because I didn’t know where the forks were. During the second fork question, I asked because I was trapped in the middle of the table. However, in both situations I asked the same exact question. We discussed how I could have asked the questions better. I also saw this feedback as deep thoughtfulness. The person cared enough about me to point out a little blind spot I had. Although our conversation was very encouraging, I still didn’t know where this feeling out entitlement came from. I still couldn’t quite see it.
A couple days later I saw it myself. One afternoon we were coming back from an afternoon on the lagoon and when we got back to our home, our host’s wife told us that they were out of gas for the stove. She told us that she was going to pull out her electric griddle and cook some hot dogs. After eating supper, I was still fairly hungry and I knew that our host went and filled up the gas tank. I asked our host if he could hook up the new tank of gas so that I could pop popcorn. I said it as if it was my right to pop popcorn. I thought I was entitled to pop popcorn. Then it hit me and my heart sank. That little word entitlement.
I had no idea where this entitlement mindset came from. I came on this mission trip to serve NOT be served. So I prayed and asked God why I was feeling entitled. He revealed that I had this mindset that because I am obeying Him, I am ENTITLED to get what I want. I expect God to do what I want Him to do. How wrong I was! I thought back to the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. They told King Nebuchadnezzar, “our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we will not serve you gods.” –Daniel 3:17,18 God is able to do what we ask, but He doesn’t have to and I have to be okay with God saying no. I pray that God would take this mindset away.
I share this story with all of you to let you know how powerful it is to call each other higher—to give feedback. A teammate noticed a small blind spot in my life and pointed it out to me before it became a huge problem. Even the smallest of things like asking for a fork can turn into a huge opportunity of growth. I encourage you to not be afraid to point out the little things in each other’s lives, encourage each other.
Here are some Lessons in Feedback that I learned.
1. Pray.
2. Asks Questions.
3. Receive It.
4. Pray and Reflect.
5. Be Open.
Pray. Ask the Lord if this is truly a blind spot for the other person. Feedback is not the time to nitpick every little thing that someone does wrong. It’s meant to encourage and build us up into the harmonious body of Christ.
Ask Questions. Don’t assume you know what the other person is thinking/feeling. They might be perceiving the situation very different then you are. Have a conversation and seek out the other person’s heart.
Receive It. Don’t argue back with the other person when they point out a blind spot. That’s the whole idea of a blind spot, you can’t see it. Try and receive hard feedback with an open heart and mind.
Pray and Reflect. Take the hard feedback back to the Lord and ask Him if this is truly one of your blind spots. Ask the Lord to open your eyes. Ask yourself if you could have done anything better.
Be Open. It’s okay to go back and discuss your feedback with the person who gave it. Get on common ground so that they understand your heart and you understand theirs. If you’re the person who keeps giving the same feedback, don’t give up, sometimes it takes a couple times before the other person sees it.
