When you hear about forgiveness you often think of one person wronging another, and then the person that was wronged extends grace. One person does something that really hurts the other person, or completely puts them self before the other person.
Throughout my race I had to go through a lot of forgiveness. But it was never forgiveness towards others, really. I’ve always had a lot of grace towards others in most situations.
But the thing I had the hardest time with was extending grace towards myself. I couldn’t seem to forgive myself when I mess up.
So I had to continue forgiving myself throughout the race. Every time I messed up I wanted to beat myself up over it but the Lord met me there with grace, so I learned to do the same.
Because of this I walked in so much more freedom. I walked in confidence and boldness in so many situations, and the Lord used me for sure.
Fast forward to Squad Leader training. I’m sitting in a circle with my co-leaders and I’m asking Holy Spirit if there is anything he wants to bring up, and in my mind pops up the man in red.
It was 2017 and I had been accepted to the race just a few months prior, and I decide to go on a run around a lake in Tempe, Arizona. I get out of my car and see a man in red across the lake. I look closer and I see him limping with each step. “Lord, if you want me to pray with this man let me know.”
I start my run and I’m a half mile in when I pass him. I pass him with my heart beating out of my chest, because I know Jesus was telling me to talk to this man, but I kept going anyways. I hit the mile mark and my conviction kicked in. I turned around to head back to the man in red off in the distance.
I get close again and my heart is beating even harder this time. So I slow down to a walk about 10 steps behind him, scared because i didn’t know how to actually start the conversation. So I kept walking. Then I sped up a little. 5 steps behind him. Sped up even more.
Right. Next. To. Him.
Then I kept running.
I ran away from the opportunity the Lord placed right in front of me. I LITERALLY ran.
And here we are almost 2 years later, and the Lord brings this back up.
“Why are you bringing this up now Lord?”
And I hear one simple answer that I had heard so many times before.
“Caleb you need to forgive yourself.”
I have spent my whole life being a christian. I don’t know a day where I didn’t follow after the Lord. So I placed an expectation on myself that faith meant perfection. And I didn’t meet that expectation with that man in red. So I constantly walked in shame because I wasn’t always proclaiming the name of Jesus, ESPECIALLY when I felt prompted by the Holy Spirit.
And I held on to that for almost 2 years. But in that circle with my co-leaders I came to a place of forgiving myself. I came to a place of realizing that having faith doesn’t mean being perfect.
I tell you this as a challenge. How can you forgive yourself today? What things has the Lord given you grace on, that you need to do for yourself as well?
Having faith in Jesus doesn’t mean being perfect.
In Him,
Caleb Callaway
