A year ago at this point my squad was at training camp. We were still in the phase of anticipation and waiting, cause launch 6 weeks later seemed like an eternity. At this point we had gotten our teams, so we were navigating what it meant to love these specific 5-6 people. But more than any of that, we were EXCITED. The thing that so many of us had dreamed about for so long was finally a reality. We had experienced training camp so now it felt official, we are really going to do this thing. We are actually going to give up 11 months of our lives to share the love of Jesus.
Training camp was absolutely incredible. More than getting to know my teammates and squadmates training camp brought about a sense of belonging. It was the first step in a long process of loving who I am and finding my identity in Christ alone. If you have kept up with my blogs throughout the last 11 months you are no stranger to the identity that I have become so confident in… But what most don’t realize is the fact that this whole process started at training camp.
I walked into training camp with a false sense of confidence. I had the typical mentality of “fake it till you make it,” and that honestly got me through the first 5 days. I was so caught up in trying to be someone that everyone liked, because I honestly didn’t like myself. I didn’t like the physical, the relational, and the spiritual side of myself but I masked it all. I didn’t let anyone know that because I wanted to come across as cool and confident. If people saw this vulnerable side of me then they wouldn’t like me… Right?
As I look back on training camp I look back on one of the sessions that talked about just that, getting to a place of loving yourself. I remember during that talk, I did everything to convince myself that I was fine and that this message didn’t apply to me. Everything that was said was just another thing that I justified in my head, soon filling it to the brim with these doubts.
Then the Holy Spirit met me on the man hike. I had every intention of being an intercessor and strong point for the men around me as they got vulnerable, but this quickly got turned around when I felt the nudge from the spirit to share the hard things myself. Reluctantly, I went into the middle of the group of men.
That was the start of a year long journey of loving myself. I look back and think of all the insecurities I had and all of the fears that consumed me and my thoughts, and then I think of where I am now.
Right now, I am sitting in the Dominican Republic. I am rejoicing in the work that Jesus has done in and through me these past 11 months, and I would have not been able to do those things if I was still in a place of not liking who I am.
Right now, I am sitting here with a love for myself that didn’t exist a year ago. I now love the things that I didn’t then. I love the genes the Lord has given me. I love the relational skills that I have. I love the upbringing I had, and the support that my family gives me. I love how the Lord has wired me. I love that the Lord chose me for this grand adventure with him. I love the joy that the Lord has blessed me with throughout my life.
I love who I am.
I would not have been able to say that a year ago. So, today I rejoice in this journey I have taken. I rejoice in the battles that He has won in my life. And most of all, I rejoice in the man that is sitting here in the Dominican Republic.
Love who you are today. It will lead you to a new place of learning and loving those around you if you do. Join me in rejoicing in who God made each of us to be.
In Him,
Caleb Callaway
