Second blog post. Here we go. 🙂
***Sidenote– I’m really not sure what these blogs are going to look like futuristically, but I’m going to try not to make it about me. My goal with this is basically to show you how awesome God is and involve you in my thoughts and feelings through the Race. Right now, pre-race, it’s not anything exciting or life changing, because I’m finishing out school and doing completely ordinary, mundane things, but God is still teaching me a lot so that’s what we’re going to focus on.***
So it’s been about a month (give or take) since I announced that I was going on the World Race, and it feels like a lot has happened since then. (ALSO, there’s only SEVEN MONTHS left until launch. What.)
I guess I will start right at the top.
Which is me, entirely overwhelmed.
Overwhelmed in good ways, and in bad ways. (This is going to be really honest and transparent, and I’m not sure if it’s something that should be included on here, but it feels important to the point I want to make, so give me a little grace and roll with it, yeah?)
We’re going to start with the bad ways. (Because you always want to hear the bad news first, right?) Guys, I am stressed. I feel like I’m over-exerting myself to the point that it’s taking a toll on my well being. I haven’t been sleeping, and the sleep I get is full of terror and nightmares, which historically, is the first sign that I’m stressed out of my mind and carrying too much. (Second sign is going on runs at ungodly hours in the morning.) There’s a lot going on and I feel a lot of pressure. Not fun for anybody. I won’t get into the nitty gritty, but there’s a lot on my plate and please don’t hire me as entertainment because my juggling is ridiculously sub-par.
There’s a lot going on. I am stressed. And it feels like it’s too much sometimes.
And it makes me doubt. (Right? Always back to this. Hear me out…)
I’ve been convicted lately about the ways that I let sin and the devil slip into my life relatively unseen. Why is it always the same things over and over again?
It’s me, but it’s not me. These feelings of doubt are not because I doubt, but because the enemy knows exactly how to get under my skin. He knows so well that when we doubt, we become afraid, and when we are afraid, we stop trusting. And when I don’t trust I rely on myself to do everything, and the life gets slowly drained out of me. I explained it to a friend that it’s like I’m trying to recharge my own battery- the more energy I spend trying to fix myself the more energy I loose, and the worse everything gets. It’s like an inverted positive feedback system, with cascading energy loss.
Okay now follow me down a little rabbit trail for a minute…
So I’ve got this- let’s call it a journal. A flimsy, black, unlined notebook from Target that I carry around with me pretty much everywhere, and it’s contents range from doodles and sketches, to prayers and sermon notes, frustrated rants, and badly written haikus in foreign airports. It’s something I’ve kept for the past year or so, and until recently I had never really looked back and read anything that I had written. That is until about the time I was looking into the World Race.
(Further down the rabbit trail…) Okay so a few months back I was feeling really hard-hearted without a real explanation as to why, and in an attempt to fix my stone of a heart I turned on some Bethel music, opened up the journal, and waited for inspiration to strike and to be able to write out all of my problems. Well, that never happened. I waited and waited. Read my Bible and prayed. And I still felt stuck in a pretty emotionless state. So as I was fiddling with my little black journal I started looking back at some of the pages, and I found myself reading the entire thing, cover to cover.
You guys, I was completely blown away. I mean. I can’t tell you how much I cried when I finished reading it. (It was a lot.) Half of it I don’t even remember ever writing, but what I realized while reading this flimsy little insignificant journal, was that I had living proof of God in my hands. I had written evidence, from my own account, of God designing and weaving my life so intricately, that I was completely oblivious to it happening. I saw countless blessings and answers to prayers that I forgot I had even prayed. It was really, really amazing, to be able to see how God had been caring for me and preparing me for the things to come in the most delicate and perfect way.
(Going back up the trail, now…) I bring up the journal because to me, it has a lot of power, and it grounds me when I feel like things are getting shaky. And when I feel like things are going south, I can be reminded that the Father has everything under control, even when I feel like there’s no overcoming the obstacles in front of me.
A good friend and mentor of mine once pointed out that seasons of hardship and spiritual warfare meant that you were posing a threat to the enemy. That our struggles really mean that we have been detrimental in foiling the devil’s plans, so much so that he would go out of his way to target us specifically in attempt to make us fail. It’s helpful to remember that we are soldiers of the Kingdom of Heaven, and the challenges we face are evidence of the good being done through us for the Lord. If you think about it, how awesome is it to know that when you feel your weakest and are at your darkest point, it is only because you are so strong that the devil feels the need to attack you directly? It’s an encouraging thing to envision, being a threat to the enemy, and it helps to know that these things are temporary, and we have so much to look forward to when the Kingdom comes.
James 1:2 Says “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds…”
When I look at my life, through the lens of a kingdom soldier, and I see places where doubt is starting to edge it’s way in, the Father reminds me that it is the enemy retaliating against the truths I know and act on. If the Father wills it, and the devil fights against, it must be good, therefore I count it all joy.
So, here is how I am overwhelmed, in the good ways:
I am overwhelmed by the goodness and kindness of people.
I am overwhelmed by just how beautiful this world is.
I am overwhelmed with how God shows himself to us in such awesome ways.
I am overwhelmed with joy to be facing these trials.
And I am overwhelmed by the love of my Father.
“Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial,
for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life,
which God has promised to those who love him.”
James 1:12
(BTW, James is a really good book to read if you’re feeling particularly trial-stricken. It’s short, it’s encouraging, it’s powerful. Take my word for it.)
Anyway. I’m leaving in seven months (I STILL CANT GET OVER IT) and that feels so wild, but I am as excited as ever for this. With your ~incredible~ kindness and generosity I’ve raised almost $2,000 in just a month, and I am so unbelievably grateful to those who have contributed their encouragement and prayers. This truly has been such a crazy time in my life, but people are so good and so kind, and I am very thankful for all of the encouragement I’ve received. There’s still a long way to go before this thing kicks off, so I would ask you to pray for me that I use every second of this preparation time well, and give where you feel led.
In peace,
Brittney
