I’ve erased highlighted deleted this entire thing I count how many times now. So, I am just going to start typing and not stop and open up. Which in fact is really hard for those who have never blogged before. I question myself a lot when I am typing on if this is “too much info” on my personal life or is this something someone would want to actually read. So here goes nothing.
8 months ago I started this journey to set out in August 2017 to go on the WR. In that process came a lot of “crazy” decisions. I talk about some of them in my other blogs if you are interested. However, recently I received a letter of intent to stay for the next school year 2017-2018. I signed it. I should’nt have. I was convicted. HARD CORE. I stayed awake tossed and turned for the next two weeks after signing it. I prayed and I felt like I had done something wrong. I did! When this entire thing started I KNEW I was not suppose to sign anything but the little whisper in my ear started creeping in. You know like ” Brittani, are you sure this is what you want to do?” “Am I even good enough for this?” “if you sign this, it’s not like you HAVE to come back”. “Brittani, this is just a back up plan in case you don’t raise the money” and HOW DARE the devil put these words in my head ” Brittani, if you don’t sign this and your dad gets sick you won’t have a job” “You will be stuck” “You can’t raise $20,000″…. ETC. Sooooo many more NEGATIVE things popped in my head. Awful. My thoughts and the devil scared me into signing the letter of intent.
I ran into an administrator on my campus last week and he spoke some words of wisdom into my life. BTW, I am so grateful I work under some Godly people. Anyways, he really stepped on my toes! It was exactly what I needed. He proceeded to use the story of Peter stepping out on the water. He was not half way in the boat and half way in the water. He stepped out all the way on the water. This is what I was doing by signing the letter. That was me telling Jesus “Hey, I have a back up plan when this doesnt work out”. Stupid. That’s not faith BTW, that’s flesh…. lets be honest. The story of Peter is ME… seriously. If you recall, the disciples were with Jesus feeding 5,000 people with JUST 5 loaves of bread and 2 stinking fish. (really though they probably were stinky) about 8 hours before the big storm hit and saw a “Ghost” AKA Jesus walking on water. Before the stinky five and bread they had seen many other “crazy” things. However, they still didn’t believe that it was him walking on water. Right?! I know you what you are saying, “How could they even question if it was him or not when they have seen so many other MIRACULOUS things he has done.” They questioned him like idiots and Peter even had the audacity to say, “Hey, seriously Jesus if that’s you then tell me to come to you and walk on water too” and Jesus said “well, come on then! I am right here!” So, peter stepped out and walked on water but then the waves and wind started up again and he freaked out! Then he started sinking because he didn’t think he could make it to Jesus or who ever he thought it was. Then Jesus SLOWLY walked over and pulled him out. Yes, slowly because I am sure he wanted him to REALLY learn a lesson, and Jesus pulled him out from the water and said ” You have so little faith Peter, Why Doubt me dude!?” BTW, this is my version if you could not tell.
Anyways, I tell you that story and say it is my story because God has done so many cool things in my life daily. Things like protecting me on the road from a raging maniac who almost clipped me going 70 MPH, to not letting me go crazy on a kid and helping me with patience, all the way to supplying me financially. However, I STILL doubt him. I still don’t take the entire step out of the boat. I still make excuses for myself. I still take ALL the miracles for granted that God has done. I am Peter.
I am NOW taking the step out of the boat to walk on the water. I wrote my resignation letter and turned it in. I cried. My heart was happy and sad at the same time. Yes, it is going to get rough. Yes, the wind is going to blow… like HARD probably some straight winds maybe a hurricane here and there but I truly just want what Jesus wants for me y’all. I KNOW without a doubt he is calling me to step out of the boat and just look at him and run to him through wind and rain. I fully immerse myself into what God is calling me to do with faith and seeking God daily, like morning and at night seriously, he will lead me Guide me. 2 things I am learning. ONE: God has my best interest not Brittani. TWO: Most of all, God speaks to me. I have to learn to not only listen to what he is telling me to do but to actually DO IT.
I love you all. I truly do.
