Most of you don’t know this about me and some of you may have noticed something a little off about me, some of you may have gotten frustrated with me many times because of this but I never wanted to face the reality or even post a blog about the fact that I have hearing loss.
I don’t know how long its been except that its been an issue for a number of years now and I don’t know how it happened.
Last spring, I somehow found myself sitting in a tiny little room that had the feel of a spaceship. I had things attached to my head and stuck in my ears and all I was told to do was click a button when I heard a sound.
Sounds easy enough, right?
“Oh, I don’t have hearing loss, I can hear all of these sounds. I just clicked that button so many times. All of this is just in my head and I am making a big deal out of nothing. I probably just don’t listen well enough.”
This is everything that has been running through my head in what felt like only a few minutes of being in this booth.
Then the door opens..”Boom, aced it.” I thought to myself.
“Have you ever had your hearing tested before?”
I looked up at her and replied with a quick, “Yes, in elementary school with everyone else.”
The big brown eyes looked down at me, “So you know you have hearing loss?”
BAM. It hit me like a ton of bricks.
“Um. What?” ….and this wasn’t because I couldn’t hear her. The fear I had was now a reality.
She then went on to show me what the chart of what the average persons hearing should look like, it was a little wavy but generally stayed within a certain point. She then showed me where I was at according to that scale, normal normal normal and then it fell of the cliff.
I was right, I could hear but she was right too. There is a whole piece of the spectrum that I didn’t even realize that I was missing.
“Your going to need to get hearing aids.”
I then died a little bit on the inside and that came out in a burst of laughter. No no no, you don’t understand, I am only 21 years old. There is no way that I need hearing aids…my grandparents don’t even really wear hearing aids.
Why me? I already don’t fit into the mold that the world has set for me..why do I have to be even more different? I am going to look like a freak.
My mom, as wonderful as she is then tells me, “Brandi, just try them. See how you like them, you don’t know yet but maybe they will be good to have.”
So I did it, I tried them on and internally my jaw dropped. What is that sound? What are they saying? Thats what the sound of trees rustling actually sounds like? Thats what this persons voice actually sounds like? Thats what a whisper actually sounds like? This is what it means to hear without my eyes?
Something that I really never realized I did until I got my own pair of hearing aids about a month ago. I can now turn the switch on and off whenever I feel like it.
When I am getting coffee with someone and I want to be fully present in the conversation and I want to hear every word, I put them in and I listen with awe.
When I am at home and I just want to shut out the noise of the world for a bit, I take them out and I live in my own head and the sounds and voices that are still loud enough for me to hear.
This little secret of mine has been a fast and terrifying journey.
It is a challenge to not let this little secret, become my identity. I let something that I really can’t control eat me alive in humiliation as more and more people found out that I wear hearing aids.
But you know what, I am not going to let the enemy tell me that I am not enough, that I lack something because out of the loss of my hearing, I have learned to appreciate those little sounds. I have learned to appreciate the blessing it is to turn off the world. I have learned to lay my pride down and to pick up the gift of the lessons learned. I am still learning what my identity is in Christ but its not about my physical body at all.
I am thankful that through the loss of my hearing, I have learned what it really means to fully let go of all of my comforts and step into who God has called me to be.
