So last Friday was a rough day for me physically, to the point where I was in tears while sitting on the couch finishing the prep work for the murder mystery party our team was leading at our hosts house that night.
You see, I was crying because I was frustrated. I was frustrated with my body and the fact that I always seem to be in some form of pain, for one reason or another, and that day it was heightened to a level that I hadn’t experienced since before leaving on the race. My teammates Brittany and Marissa had come into the room and noticed the tears and were instantly concerned and listened to me talk through my emotions and what I was feeling—specifically my frustration with the fact that I couldn’t move my neck virtually at all and that I did not have the resources here to be able to fix it the ways that I know how. I kept saying, “I don’t want to go home, but I wish I was home right now.” Thankfully they were gracious and were willing to pray for me and for my pain.
Then, about 10 minutes after they walked out of the room for lunch, my squad leader, Julie, walked in and noticed the tears and asked me what was wrong—so I told her pretty much the same thing. I couldn’t move my neck. I had an excruciating headache. I knew why. No, it wasn’t anything to be overly concerned about. I knew how to fix it. But I didn’t have the ability here to do it.
I then explained to her that my biggest fears coming on the race were medically based because I have a heck of a medical history and I wasn’t sure how that would work with being overseas and that this situation was bringing all of those to the forefront of my brain right then.
Julie then prayed for me and told me God gave her the song Miracles for me to listen to and while listening to that, she told me that she believes that by the time I walk off the last plane back to the States, at the end of next June, I will be healed. And that this should be my petition to God.
Man, those are some bold words—and to be honest, they were some hard ones for me to believe when she said them.
You see, in my past I have been told by multiple people that the reason that I never had a miraculous healing in my life was because I didn’t have enough faith. Now, I didn’t believe that, but what I did believe was that a miraculous healing just wasn’t in God’s plan for me—and I was okay with that. I just learned to accept that I was learning perseverance and how to trust in God on a day-to-day basis to be able to physically get through the day.
I got complacent. I believed that “it is what it is” and was okay with that—I didn’t hate God, nor resent Him or anything like that—I just didn’t believe that God wanted more for my life.
Julie then asked me if I actually wanted to get better and reminded me of the man in John 5 who had been by the healing pool for 38 years paralyzed, and Jesus went up to him and asked if he wanted to get well. Most people would think that that was a stupid question—of course he would want to get well, he had been paralyzed for 38 years! However, Jesus thought it was an important question to ask.
This is where she smacks me with truth—Julie then asked me if I felt that I deserved to be healed. Whoa; another loaded question. I started to cry harder and told her that I thought I felt that I deserved healing. To be honest, I had to think about this one; however, I came to realize that it wasn’t that I felt I didn’t deserve to be healed, but that it just wasn’t in the cards for me.
And I was okay with that.
That was when I realized that I needed a mindset shift.
You see, God has been teaching me a lot about what petitioning Him looks like and the difference between prayer and petition. And going back to what Julie had told me a few minutes prior about my petition to God being a complete healing by the time I walk back onto the soil in the States, it was like a lightbulb going off in my mind—it was the first time I thought that maybe God actually did want to use a miraculous healing in my life and to change the course of my testimony that I thought was pretty much set in stone by now.
This was the moment that I started to believe that God wanted more for me than just daily pain and living in a contentment that God would be there and would help me persevere—I have had 24 years to learn perseverance from God, and it is a lesson I have learned pretty solidly.
Also, in that instant God reminded me of the story in John 9 where Jesus and his disciples met a man who was blind from birth and the disciples asked him if the man was that way because of a sin he committed or one his parents had committed and Jesus responded by saying, “neither this man nor his parents sinned but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life”—and this is what I am believing for my life. After all, God is the one who does the impossible, and is the God of miracles.
Miracles
The one that made the blind to see, is moving here in front of me.
The one who made the deaf to hear, is silencing my every fear.
I believe in You.
I believe in You.
You’re the God of miracles.
The one who does the impossible, is reaching out to make me whole.
The one who put death in its place, His life is flowing through my veins.
His life is flowing through my veins.
I believe in You.
I believe in You.
You’re the God of miracles.
You are, You are a wonder-working God.
Yes You are, You are a wonder-working God.
The God who was and is to come.
The power of the risen one.
The God who brings the dead to life.
You’re the God of miracles.
You’re the God of miracles.
