Dude. I’m just plain worn out. As I was talking to one of my best friends on my squad today-I decided WEARY is the most appropriate word for my feelings in this exact moment. She understood. Do you know how good it feels to be understood? It’s like “SIGH. ME TOO. Really?! You too?! I thought I was the only one.” And this is why God gives us friends. Shoot. I’m so thankful for her. I’m so thankful for friends.
Ughhh I’ve received SO much hard feedback this month(for those of you unfamiliar with this term as I was before the World Race it’s pretty much constructive criticism). I suck. I’m a terrible human being. I don’t deserve to be here and my teammates deserve a better person than me. Pretty much everything they said is 100% true and it hurts and it sucks and I’m tired. I’m A FAILURE. Just drop me off at the airport now. But then I sit with it for a bit and I’m like, DANNNG these women love me. They’ve shown me things in myself I so easily refer to as, ehhh it’s just who I am. But it’s NOT. They make themselves uncomfortable to show me a mirror and then show me a picture of Christ and then allow me to choose which one it’s gonna be. I’m loved y’all and sometimes love hurts.
I miss homeeeeeee. I miss my sister’s littles so much it physically hurts sometimes and I cry every single time they send me videos or I see their sweet little faces. I miss all my family. My brother Josh and our crazy excursions and rambling conversations. I miss my sister and our real talks about family and life and how ridiculous we can be to each other. I miss my parents driving me insane by asking me 50 million questions and my mother always saying “did you pray about”. UGH. Why tho mom. But I miss it. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I miss my church-I miss walking into this place of joy and freedom and openness. I miss worshipping loudly and freely to my Jesus in the front row with my hands high or kneeling or however and wherever I need to be in that moment. I miss seeing the same little faces in 242 Kids church and stopping by to see my friends in the middle school room between services. I miss those relationships and I wonder about them and I wonder sometimes if they wonder about me. I miss having catch up sessions with my best friend Eden, the gym, Olive Garden, dirty sheeds from zingermans, walks around Ann Arbor, driving to Lake Michigan and visiting friends in Grand Rapids, my beloved cat, sleeping in the same bed for more than a month, sleeping in my own bed, straightening and curling my hair, and I miss driving my car and having crazy amazing talks with jesus every time I drive anywhere. Freedom. Independence. People. Life. Merica. And the PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS(please tell me you read that all as dramatically and ridiculously as I felt when typing this). ……..that’s a whole ton of awesome stuff to miss isn’t it? It’s all so good. It’s all such a blessing. Look at that life?!? Jesus tho. Ugh. Big things, silly things, fun things. Things to remember, things to look forward to, and things to never take for granted ever ever again. BLESSED. Blessed blessed blessed.
Okay. Breathe. These are the ramblings of a girl on the World Race at the end of month six. This is real. This is life. Yeah I have insane amazing moments and pretty pictures. Sometimes we are one big family and other times we don’t want to talk to each other. Sometimes God’s work is so evident in our ministry that month we feel so full of life and purpose and sometimes it’s like, I’m literally doing nothing. Some days I don’t think about home once and other days it’s all I think about. The ups and downs. The hills and valleys. It’s not just a part of the world race though, it’s a part of LIFE. Sometimes I forget that along this journey and that’s when I think I’m failing and the devil comes along and whispers, hey, you’re really sucking at being a world racer and a missionary. You should just go home. But then God speaks into me and tells me ….[insert Jesus’s voice here]this isn’t about the world race. This is about your life. This IS your life. Wherever you are is your life and you have to keep fighting to live it and to love for me and with me and for these people around you. Don’t hide from me because you think you’re messing it up. You said you wanted to grow, so let’s grow. Let’s get messy. Cry. Hurt. Laugh. Be homesick. Do crazy things. Go on adventures. Love people. And do it all over again. What you’re forgetting is, there may be an ending to the world race but there’s no ending to this life with me.
