Walking home late, down a dirt path to my little “cabin” after being in town all day. The path only lit by my iPhone light. Constantly lighting each step as to hopefully not run into a critter…low and behold to my absolute HORROR was a tarantula about 12 inches from my feet. I screeched, jumped back stunned, adrenaline pumping through my veins. In my head, “I want to run but I can’t move.” As I was still frozen in fear, other squadmates initial fear turned into interest which just made me realize what was actually happening. As I realized one of my biggest fears was inches away from me, I ran back further from it as sobs over took me. Then I eventually dodged around it and the growing crowd of people and ran into our little home.
Traumatized, I sobbed and sobbed, and looked at a few teammates and was like I’m going home. I decline from the rest of the world race. I am not cut out for this. This is what I can’t deal with. And I can deal with a lot. Bye Felicia. I swear if in that moment someone had handed me a ticket back to the states I would have taken it.
What I realized though, (even though I felt like I was in the movie arachnophobia), was that that horrific spider was a symbol of a whole lot more than just a fear of mine or something that creeps me right out. That tarantula was fear of blind faith, the rest of this year, vulnerability, missing people back home, being stripped of my independence, living in community, HARD days ahead and some that have already passed, stepping boldly into certain types of ministry and ministering to those I’m uncomfortable with, fear of the amazing growth that is happening in my relationship with Jesus and the Holy Spirit and fear that friends and family back home won’t “get it”, won’t understand, will even turn away from me once I arrive home…
No, I didn’t actually quit the World Race. LOL. I just had to be a little dramatic. Most likely I will quit the race one or two more times before it’s over. I lived through, stopped crying, and I even eventually went to sleep that night(although I am even more intentional about checking the entire room before going to sleep).
Jesus is continuing to reveal to me all these fears that are holding me back, and we are working on them together. Join me in prayer as I choose to move forward into month three fearlessly.
