I have had a love hate relationship with my backpack since the day I got it.
I didn’t feel like I had more items then others, but my bag was a little smaller (60L) so I couldn’t fit as much, and that was the first time I was frustrated with my pack.
When we got to training camp someone taught me how to properly wear my pack, and that was the first time I loved my pack.
This bag was with me everyday for 227 days of the race and kept my belongings safe and dry, but I realized I didn’t need it anymore and it was time for it to go.
There is a lot that has brought me to this point so this is the story of what my backpack has represented for 7 months of the race:
This story starts back at training camp. One of our requirements was to complete a 2.2 mile hike in 38 minutes. I had spent time practicing before camp and really thought I would be able to complete the hike in no time. When we got to Georgia they told us that in order for us to complete the hike in time there would be places we would have to run. There was different terrains: grass, gravel, dirt, hills, roads, you name it we had it. As I started the hike I realized this was going to be harder then I expected and I quickly began to fall back from the group. Our squad leader Lindsey stayed with me and was talking me through it. At one point I remember looking up and seeing my teammate Megan a good distance ahead of me and thinking I won’t finish this. Next thing I know Megan is beside me pushing me to not give up, not stop, not slow down. I have told her and Lindsey many times but I ‘ll say it again, I know that if they weren’t there that day I would not have finished. When we got to the finish line, we finished with 10 seconds left and I couldn’t get my backpack off fast enough. There were so many things mentally that happened during those 38 minutes, but we will come back to that later.
Fast forward to Malawi and I began to think how many items of clothing I had, comforts from home, and just the “what if” items and began to realize that I was comfortable. I had different clothing options, I was fitting in well, I felt good with where I was, but I told myself I never wanted to be there. I began to contemplate dropping my big pack in order to have a tangible way of going through abandonment during the race.
So I did it, I sent my pack home in Thailand.
It sounds like such a silly thing, but it was such a tangible way of me to release the insecurities that I felt like were being represented by my relationship with that bag.
During the hike at training camp I felt extremely attacked by the enemy. My head was filled the entire hike with insecurities, hate, and lies. That I was too fat for the race, to ugly for anyone to ever love me in the future, not a good enough christian to even be around the people on my squad. It was so overwhelming for the entire 37.50 minutes that the only thing I could hear was the lies, and I could faintly hear Megan and Lindsey’s voices. I was physically feeling the effects of the verbal things that the enemy was trying to bring me down with; leg pains, difficulty breathing, neck and shoulder pain, and back pain. This was probably the most insecure moment I have ever felt in my life. When I got to the finish line my squad mates were pushing and pulling me up the final hill and they had to help me take my pack off, and when they did I began sobbing because the lies in my head had finally stopped. Completely silent.
I feel like my relationship with the Lord is well represented on this day. He comes and guides me when I am falling behind, He talks me through my struggles even when the enemy tries to drown out his voice, and he pushes/pulls me up the hill when I can no longer do it on my own.
Once I got on the field I guess I resented my pack in a way for the way it made me feel that day. It was like every time I picked it up it felt heavier to me then to everyone else because it was carrying extra “weight” when I picked it up, and I didn’t want to feel that way anymore.
Sending my pack home gave me the freedom I needed. Never let the enemie’s lies dictate how you feel about yourself. Never carry a weight so heavy alone, and be a part of a good, Godly community that can help you get rid of all the negativity.
If it wasn’t for my squad that day, who knows, I may have never made it on the race.
Hebrews 12: 1-3
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
