“How’s fundraising?”
When I’m in a conversation with someone, this question invariably arises. It’s as expected as someone in an easy breath asking me about how my weekend played out. It makes sense this is a part of the repertoire of questions waiting for me to answer in interactions because that’s the portion of my world that many have been invited into and it’s currently a part of my life.
A part of life that my next year is hinging on.
Woah.
I still cannot wrap my mind around that truth!
While I’m always warmed by others caring about the status of my support raising, I more often than not tumble around in my words in an attempt to tell them. It’s not only how close I am to my financial deadlines but also what God has been kneading within me and my heart through this process. As well as the hearts of others.
In America, it’s not a surprise when you pluck out someone working over 40 hours a week. I’ve been raised to work hard and reap the benefits; I need to put my nose to the grind and earn my own way. While this isn’t a “wrong” instilled value, it causes friction in support raising.
A high desire and need for self-sufficiency can suffocate any dependency on God as well as close the space allowing Him to show up. If we already have it handled, we start believing there’s no need for God. This is where humanity has always fallen since the beginning. I can see it in myself at times too.
The process a few months ago of collecting addresses alone to send others letters describing this journey caused me to feel resistance from myself.
Why are you being stubborn?
I realized, first, I was feeling apologetic.
“I know, yeah, it costs that much.” I had already squirmed in front of others whose eyes practically pop when we eventually get to the price tag of the trip. I didn’t blame them either because mine did the same when I first heard about the opportunity years ago.
I also noticed I was resisting the idea that I might be a burden to others.
I loathed the thought that people were going to feel that I was simply another piece of this life that made them feel guilty or pressured. I also admitted to one of my downfalls still holding me back – my concern for what others think about me or about what I was planning on doing.
Lastly, I realized I didn’t believe in His financial provision. At least not to this degree.
This was the toughest to have to utter out to myself and God.
I usually figured finances out for myself and I knew where all my resources were – university campus jobs, summer jobs, frugal spending, parents (sorry mom and pops), loans upon loans. There was never a moment I was seriously threatened that I wouldn’t make the cut financially. Until last year when my first student loan payment was ensuing and I still didn’t have income to pay it. A month before it was due, I got hired at a job and would receive more than enough in my first paycheck to meet the payment.
So I was surprised I still was uncertain about Him. He could help me meet my monthly loan payment but could He really be a part of $17,617?
Yes.
That wasn’t my answer until my perspective on raising funds for this trip shifted. The feeling at first was like me when I was in elementary school with my toy catalog and toothy smile traveling door-to-door in my neighborhood hoping someone would sign up for one. If they didn’t, I wouldn’t get one of the cool gadgets as a prize for being one of the top sellers.
This isn’t that kind of fundraising; it’s about a team of individuals, couples, families that join together with me to share in God’s work around the world on the international level.
It’s a unified force that longs to infuse love and immeasurable peace within this world instead of hate and destruction. To share about Christ’s redemption on earth and in our own personal lives. It’s about abounding grace and the invitation to more.
I used to think it was a sweet disguise of reality – you’re asking for money. What I’ve learned is this isn’t what the focus should be. I’ve seen the glow others have after giving and it instantly humbles me because there are times I start believing the lie that it is only about me. It’s not and I’ve witnessed with almost confusion on my part the wild generosity of others within this process. And as one told me, it’s growing their own faith in the Lord. Or another mentioned it’s an honor to give from their resources to something they feel is purely good-hearted.
And I am flipped into a position of awe and humility when those I barely even know want to joyfully offer me a handsome sum or a dime. I am reminded again this is more than me, it’s about Him. I’ve noticed He uses opportunities to give financially to His movement in the world or to His body of believers to grow each of us in our own faith.
Why would that ever surprise me? But it did. Support raising is a ministry within itself.
He knows which of you He has lined up to provide financially, through prayer, or both. He knows. That doesn’t mean I get to kick my feet up sipping on my herbal tea while simply waiting. I still have to fulfill my own role which involves revealing my heart for what I’ll be doing and inviting you into this with me. He surely can move random people but I truly believe if I am going to find you all, I’ll need to be awake and present. Asking and sharing. This requires stepping out of what is familiar and cozy.
I’ve found some of you and you have found me. For that, I am speechless. What has been promised continues to unravel. As I’ve told you all, there’s no words to cover what that all means.
This all doesn’t suggest there is never doubt. I am a wishy-washy child of His that will be in glee over the funds flowing in one day to being a skeptical terror about what He thinks He’s doing another. I’m still learning to trust Him in the funds department!
How my odd mind sees it is support raising feels like committing to a healthy diet of fruits and veggies with a sprinkling of protein. Often we beg that there could be another way to be healthy because it’s too difficult. It’s a sharpening and requires discipline. But it’s good for you. Even if you’d rather be lounging on the couch snacking on cookie dough ice cream out of the carton. But there’s a goodness that happens when you stay the course.
There’s an intense pressing in by Him to the point it feels impossible or too uncomfortable but He’s honing and I’ve grown. Oh, have I already grown and I pray the same for the others in this with me.
I want to stay the course. There’s these souls out in the world I’m longing to meet.
