I am an escape artist.
When God was nudging, I often resisted. I could be found hiding in a blanket burrito on my couch watching The Office again on Netflix.
Eventually, God stopped with the gentle spring breezes and started bowling me over with hurricane power 10-speed winds better known as undeniable and difficult to misinterpret. This is the unchanged, unfiltered letter I wrote in one of those moments God wasn’t messing around (as if He was before).
It isn’t perfect blog format. But I hope it shows a little of why I am right here and preparing for this journey!:
8/14/16
Dear Myself,
If you were honest with yourself, you know in your heart that God is tugging at you. The pinging, the unavoidable words you keep hearing that align with this dream, and the burning in your chest you keep trying to ignore and distract yourself from. Your heart has been restless for a while especially since January and it is honestly undeniable that at some time you are supposed to experience this journey. It’s not that it is “the” World Race, it is more because it is an opportunity to risk in a huge way for a man who has loved you like nobody ever has or will be able to.
Your heart is aching to go, to experience different cultures, and to infuse love and grace into those people you meet. You’ve been reading other blogs for a long time of those that have gone, almost 3 years to be exact. Until now you haven’t seen how this could happen in your life. You know you no longer want to remain just a person looking in on another’s adventure. You know that you will be changed and you are longing to see what kind of shaping will come from this journey.
You know you won’t be alone. You’ll be with a group of imperfect people seeking to love too for the sake of their Savior. You’ll meet people and see places you never could have dreamed of talking to, learning from, or witnessing. It isn’t the glorified version of missions that has snagged you but the raw and difficult experience where the Lord will grow you exponentially if you let Him.
There are fears and lies that have swooped in to choke out this dream; it yanks to keep holding you back and it gives you every reason you shouldn’t go.
‘Your motive is skewed, you aren’t going for Christ in your or other’s lives, you are going for you. You’re going to get the praise and “oohs and ahhs” for choosing to go. You aren’t qualified, you’re too young and immature to go and you will just want to go home. You’ll miss and miss out on your family and friends you love so much. The entire trip you will want to be with them instead of where you are. There’s no chance in heck you are going to be able to raise all that money, God won’t provide for you. You will be miserable giving up all your comforts, you hate snakes and spiders. You are just a naive, entitled person who thinks they can change the world. You won’t be safe even if the World Race tries to promise they do everything they can to protect you. You would be better off staying in Kansas. You shouldn’t be leaving now, you have so many new things starting. You can do all this here, you don’t have to leave.’
Some of these harbor some truth in each statement. Yet when Jesus takes His hand and gently lifts your chin to see Him again, that view crushes every lie and fear. You go for Him and Him in your world. You’re not qualified, Christ is. In your fissures, He fills. In your stumblings, He sets your feet straight.
He will continually invite you into who He has created you to be. You will miss your family and friends; I am sure you will have that feeling of a vacancy in your heart but He will get you through. You will be with other people who feel the same way and new people to love and pour into for a year. You won’t be completely disconnected from the world or them either.
If God wants you to go, believe and trust He will provide. If He doesn’t, find calm in that it is okay. It is okay as every shattered dream and hope you have had in the past was made alright in light of Him. You cannot save the world like you think, but Jesus can and you are meant to go and tell them all that He will in every way. You know it will be difficult beyond belief but you’ve heard it is worth it. It is not a vacation or even a trip but a different kind of adventure; a beautiful but painful year.
Sometimes you are entitled and prideful, Ashlyn, but all that convoluted, twisting selfishness and darkness redeemed by Him is another reason to go. He will force you to face it instead of escape and you will meet others that need to be reminded or know of Him who gathered us to Himself despite our twistedness by means of His blood on a cross.
That choice won’t be safe but where is safety? Safety dwells in a life lived in fear. This isn’t reckless or you walking into a line of fire. Evil does exist but desires you to stay home in your fear of it. You also know the staff of Adventures in Missions never intentionally or knowingly sends their people to extremely dangerous areas.
There are a lot of new, thrilling things starting and you have ping-ponged back and forth from that God wants you to stay here devoting yourself to Wichita and then that leaving won’t ruin anything or cut any experience short. That it will all happen in timing but you don’t want this to be an excuse to continue to fear what will happen in sacrificing your friends, family, new job position, new church community, and simple comforts. It isn’t wrong that this can all occur here, you don’t have to leave on a “mission trip” to experience the Lord in your life in a beautiful way. You have up until now, you know that to be breathtakingly true. Though, that doesn’t mean there isn’t more adventure to be experienced outside of these borders too.
You want to see. Even if your heart cannot bear the heaviness you may witness, you’ll ask the Lord to expand your ability to carry it all. You want to go. Writing this, your stomach may drop out because of how crazy of a risk it is but that makes you know it could be amazingly worth it, something you’ll never be able to replace. This is the next part of the story to be written after the loss, hurt, and confusion of the last year.
You know you would always look back and wonder “what if?”. Don’t live life in the ponderings of “what if I had?”. Maybe it will be horrible, maybe it won’t be what you expected, maybe it will change everything, maybe it will break you, maybe you’ll be a part of things with Christ that you never imagined, maybe He’ll make you surprise yourself, but you will never know until you go. So go.
