Growing up I had such loving parents and three amazing sisters that I love very much. My parents always made sure that we were taken care of and I am so thankful for that. I went through many stages in my life just like everyone else. The “kid stage” where all I cared about was what cartoon I get to watch and who I get to play with at recess to the awkward “middle school stage” where all I cared about was wearing foundation 3 shades darker than me, black eyeliner, and falling in love with boy bands. To the “High school stage” where I desperately search for my identity.
The beginning of freshman year was amazing! I had an amazing friend group and school was flying by. But halfway through the year, my parents split up and that’s when my world turned upside down. I started getting depressed and was not in the healthiest state mentally or physically. I was overeating to coup with my depression and this caused me to gain weight and gain it fast. I started to almost shut down in a way. I almost became mute. The friends I had in the beginning of the year would become strangers to me because I started to keep to myself, I didn’t think anyone could love me because I did not even love myself. I would come home from school and hide in my room because I was so ashamed of myself that I didn’t even want my parents or my sisters to see the way I looked.
My youngest sister asked me one Friday if I want to go to youth group with her. I decided to go and it honestly was the best decision of my life. I felt so welcomed and the people who are now my mentors/ lifelong friends made me feel so special and never failed to remind me how beautiful I was. They convinced me to go to Winter Fest which is a church youth conference and that’s where I first felt the love of Jesus and fell head over heels in love with him! My family was not religious so I knew of God but I never really knew anything about him. This conference started a fire in my heart and I craved to learn more about him.
My life started to quickly change. I started attending church every Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday. I also started working out and eating healthy which caused me to lose a lot of weight and gain more confidence in myself. I had amazing friends, who I could tell loved me very deeply and an amazing church family. Learning self-love changed my world! I went from believing that I would never be enough for someone to realizing that this was a lie I told myself. The truth was, God loved me no matter what. He created me in his image and loved me so deeply even before I knew who he was.
Continuing on Jr year of high school I fell in love. I thought this was the man I was going to marry (the things your brain thinks at 17 years old). I started putting this relationship above everything else in my life because in my head I thought nothing else mattered and I had to do everything in my power to make this person happy so they won’t break up with me. This was not a healthy thing for either of us and the relationship came to an end with us falling out of love. This took a toll on me. I realized that everyone in my family was divorced so everyone must fall out of love at some point. This scared me and honestly, marriage is a scary topic to me now. It’s not a storybook-like every girl thinks it is it’s a horror story. I desperately wanted to believe that was not true so I started focusing more on my image and working out an unhealthy amount, wearing too much makeup, and playing hard to get. Because we are told this is what boys want. Girls and maybe even boys this is another lie. If you have to focus on these things then the person you are grabbing the attention of is not the type of person you wanna be with. I started losing sight of my worth because I felt like I would never be good enough for someone. That no boy could love me so I decided that love did not exist. Love was a lie created by someone to toy with peoples emotions.
Before the Race, I believed I am not worthy to be loved, that love is something that expires, and that I did not need God to love myself. Since being on the Race I can tell you what God has taught me about love. That love isn’t always in a significant other. Love is in your family. I have an amazing family and yeah my mom and dad split up but they both love me so dearly and would do anything for me, same with my sisters. Love is in your friends. Since being on the Race I have developed amazing friendships and also realized how much a lot of my friends back home love and care for me. Love is in yourself. Throughout my life loving myself was an on again off again battle but once you learn to love yourself you become more positive and have such a good perspective on the world. Last but definitely not least Love is in God. Scratch that God is Love! Learning the love of God is such a blessing because not only is it yours but you also get to share it with others. I have had an amazing opportunity to share his love to people who have never even heard his name and I’m not going to waste it! Thanks for reading till the end! love you all! stay tuned for more!
