This blog post is somewhat of a reality check for me, if I’m really honest it’s going to help me out in my perspective of things I’ve been walking through more recently and maybe things that missionaries don’t necessarily share whilst out ‘on the field’ so bare with me, a lot of this is potential random thoughts cause my brain does that often.
I have beyond loved doing this journey with the Lord, he has brought many deep and personal revelations to my heart that I can’t even begin to explain. The fact that he LOVES ME like deeply cares about me and what I think, has been a huge part of this adventure. I know that this is a beginning process that I want and will continue to pursue even after the race has finished.
The last couple of months hasn’t been the easiest place to be, in fact I’ve found it really hard to put into words and share with people. It’s one of the main reasons I haven’t written a blog for a while.
I realised probably not so early on that God was inviting me into a deeper level of intimacy, as He always does, primarily because he just loves to be with us. What it actually felt like to me was a distance coming between us and a difficulty in discerning whether or not I was actually hearing from him or not.
You might think (I could be wrong) that missionaries and serving in the nations that we are acutely aware of what the Lord is saying every day in every moment….not really the case. In my own experience whilst being on the race yes it has taken me out of my comfort zone and created a deeper dependence on the Lord, in reality it still at times feels like a very lonely place
I down play my emotions a lot and keep telling myself I shouldn’t have thoughts of being forgotten and unheard, that I am needy, that I need to be there for everyone all the time, fix the problem, create the solution.
Until two months ago I just dealt with them myself, trying to figure out what I was doing to do to fix the issue in front of me, by myself but actually that didn’t change anything. What actually began a shift in my pattern of thinking was bringing it to my team, whilst being in the midst of it.
I can’t tell you how thankful I am for them, each and every single one for loving and supporting me in that. They asked hard questions and really challenged me to ask the Lord what he has been doing and what is next.
One of the things looking back at this, I remember listening to a great podcast by an absolute hero Banning Liebscher. He talked about trusting in the middle of process – that if we just want to get to the of whatever it is we’re walking through we miss the intimacy and process of journeying with the Lord and more so aren’t as fully equipped for what He has for us and so in turn creates longer periods of waiting.
UGH!
That was my first feeling and I guess I was frustrated at myself because I knew I wanted to take the short cut but also have the intimacy with God. Looking back now I realise how much of the Lords timing and promise I would have missed out on and now realising I had to surrender everything all over again to Him – it is such a humbling place to be in.
Now I wouldn’t say things are necessarily clear as to what’s next but I know that this process has taken me to realise I need rest, and in the sense of I need to create opportunities of rest and refill myself in the Lord as he is my source of everything.
It really has challenged my view of doing and creating works and always being ‘on’ all the time. This is something I get to do with the Lord and it’s a HUGE privilege!
WOW!
I LOVE THE LORD!
Would love you to continue to pray for me and what this next season will look like,
Also if you want to listen to the podcast I was referring to, here’s the link 🙂
https://jesusculture.com/sacramento/podcast/?listen=journey-and-the-process
Blessings 🙂
