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blessings 🙂
I think I’m the worst when it comes to actually writing down how I feel or attempting to process on paper what god is doing in my life.
I want to try and share something I’ve been journeying and I’m still processing with God the last few months; again I have a few disclaimers 1. My punctuation isn’t the greatest – work with me, 2. I tend to jump between points cause I get excited and forget to finish the last before moving to the next – bear with me, I’m getting better. Lastly I feel really nervous sharing this on any platform, my mind over-thinks ALOT! And I second guess ALOT! Because I don’t think what I write is worth it. In these things my hope and prayer is to push through and that you see me, my heart and what God is doing in and through me.
So here goes…
My title if I had one would either be ‘I WAS chasing highs’ or ‘present over perfect’.
When I look back over the last 6 months I am so in awe at how God has been with me in every single detail. There have definitely been times where I have thought he was my priority and looking back now actually he wasn’t where he should have been, where I was bigging myself up, I actually should have been humbling myself. There has been many times where I have thought ‘this is a good idea’ and not invited God’s direction and creativity into it; I mean of course I invited him into the big things and big decisions, but the little things I got it covered…or so I thought.
When I stepped into this God adventure I was all for doing it with him, for him, I was gonna move out of my comfort zone, I saw it as a bunch of steps I get to/have to do order for me to go and ‘do the stuff’ in my head it looked like if I can just get from A to B I’m good, I’ll just leave and go on the world race and that’ll be it; I’m such a forward planner like that.
It’s all changed, I’ve been changed, my mind is in process and renewal (of sorts); at training camp – where everything changes (I thinkJ), God clearly spoke to me, in my gap and where I have been frustrated and feeling the building of a wall in relation to everything in my life to date, he spoke as clear as ever saying ‘you’ve been chasing the highs of me, you’ve been looking for the emotional highs where it’s all been crying and riding on someone else’s experience of me and not on your own – conferences, worship concerts, big moments in church. Even in this process you’ve been chasing the big things like the goals and comparing yourself to others who have reached them before you. You’ve missed the small things, the things in quiet moments, the secret place because you have moved your vision to think I only move in the big things.
*sucker punch to the gut*
Oh boy! I did this, there was no denying it, I could feel it, he was right, the last 6 months had been moving from one moment and waiting for the next, riding the wave without having a personal encounter. I had forgotten he lives in me, he lives in all of us and I was missing it! Living between one donation to the next and not being encouraged when someone prayed for me.
When we are ever more being removed from being present in life, so many opportunities to blur out and switch off – he is calling us to lead a life of present in his presence. Shauna Niequist summed it up beautifully in her book ‘present over perfect’
~Present is living with your feet firmly grounded in reality, pale and uncertain as it may seem. Present is choosing to believe that your own life is worth investing deeply in, instead of waiting for some are miracle or fairytale. Present means we understand that the here and now is sacred, sacramental, threaded through with divinity even in the plainness. Especially in its plainness. ~
I had to repent, big time, I had all these feelings of guilt to the point I was second guessing everything, was I even meant to be doing this!? The fear was really real, the fear of not doing this with him, for him honestly made me feel like retreating, removing myself from everyone because I have failed and I needed figure this out alone, by myself. For a while I did do this, maybe more like a week but God, the ever present God in his absolute kindness as I came all be it sheepishly as said I’m sorry , forgive me, he said it is done!
What a gift, his grace, kindness and goodness that when I don’t have it figured out, I humble myself to him, create space to be present with him, even right now as I write this I can feel Holy Spirit with me. I never want to miss moments like this. Thank you Jesus for small moments, that you are there and even the big moments you are there.
I’m reminded of the story of Moses in Exodus chapter 33, where God has spoken to the Israelites after they have created a new idol to worship, he says “go up to the land flowing with milk and honey but I will not go with you” (v3). It so easy to get caught up in doing things we think are good and pleasing to the Lord or equally get distracted with them, I know I have and completely miss the opportunity to invite God in.
Forward to right now I am choosing to invite God in, knowing he lives me and even more than that feeling the love and acceptance of a father. Knowing I can do all things in him and the things I haven’t thought about he has and he has taken care of it all because he is a GOOD Father.
Moses asked of the Lord “if your Presence does not go with us do not send us up from here” (v15) and we read on that the Lord gave Moses his glory and in turn a new covenant for him and the Israelites to live by.
This is my prayer for my life, that I don’t want to be anywhere or do anything without him all of him, I want to take every moment to listen to his teaching and him showing me his perspective.
My challenge to you is to find those moments of his sweet presence and invite him into the process. If you do this already… THANK HIM! He is just that good and faithful!
My request to you is that if you have found this in any way encouraging or you have feedback for me, please don’t hesitate to reply and to pray for my heart and this journey into the exciting unknown.
My next goal is that I can be fully funded by the end of the year, what that looks like practically is if 200 people can donate £30 pounds. If you feel you can do this and be a part of the journey towards the 200 people, please let me know via this email, donate at my blog: ashleyhewitt.theworldrace.org if you want to do that in dollars or alternatively PayPal me @ www.paypal.me/ashleyhewitt.
Blessings and thank you for taking the time to read this
