A couple weeks ago, we found out we were going to have new teams, meaning new team leaders and new treasurers. I had prayed to God to not be either of those two things, so when our squad leader Alysa came up to me and started talking, I had a sense of dread come over me. Oh no. She is going to ask me to be a team leader. It was something I wasn’t particularly eager to do, but if she was going to ask, I figured I’d do it. But then she said, “How would you feel about being treasurer?”
Woah. I was not prepared for that one. That was so much worse.
Alysa spent the month with me and my team prior to debrief. She knew that treasuring was not something I was going to be excited about. So I don’t think she was surprised when I replied with horror and asked, “What? Me?! Why?” and “Am I allowed to say no?”
Alysa, of course, gave me permission to say no; but I know that our leaders pray about every decision. I was allowed to say no to Alysa, but was I allowed to say no to God?
I told her I would pray about it. Here was my prayer:
“Dear God,
They asked me to be the treasurer for the next month, for all girl month. Why, God? They prayed about it, and said my name came up. Why me? You know me well- You know that I would not want to do this. So, is this You challenging me to do something I don’t want to do? Did they simply mishear? Am I supposed to learn a lesson in humility? I worried about who the new treasurer might be, if they did things in a way different from Fei, or if they did things in a way I didn’t like. I never imagined it would be me! I guess this is what I get.
God, I hate math. I hate even splitting bills in restaurants! I hate paperwork. I hate computer tasks. Surely there must be someone more suited and more willing.”
After that I decided to rewrite the questions and actually listen for the answers. (Including some new, follow up ones too)
Why God? To grow.
Why me? To learn.
I don’t want to learn.
Then why did you come?
To learn spiritually, not mathematically.
Why limit me?
I don’t want to limit You. But I also don’t want to do it.
(Looking back at my notebook again) So is this you challenging me to do something I don’t want to do?
(Haha….Ironic next question.)
Lord, I am already hurting over (XYZ) right now. Why add something extra?
What is fruitful?
(Tears)
Is worrying over XYZ fruitful right now?
No.
Okay, so how do I get rid of that?
(No answer yet)
Did they (the squad leaders) simply mishear?
No.
“If I do this, I’m going to need your help.”
Naturally.
“Emotionally and logistically.”
I will be there.
“I’m not happy about it.”
You don’t have to be.
“Can I be like Moses and say send someone else?”
You can, but do you want to?
“A part of me wants to. The other part of me doesn’t want to miss out on the role You have called me to.”
(From my notebook again) Am I supposed to learn a lesson in humility?
This is not about humility, this is about trust.
Why? (if there is someone more suited and more willing?)
I have already revealed the why. Trust.
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander. And my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my savior. -Oceans by Hillsong
My squadmate JD gave me the song Oceans for this month. Little did I know what would be meant by it.
“I love you Lord. I will trust You, wherever You lead. Thank You for Your word, for Your guidance. Thank You for our conversation. I am still not happy about it. But I will choose to have peace about it, in You. Amen.”
(P.S. Hello Anna’s family! 🙂 )
