Let’s take a short look at some of the things I have to be afraid of next year:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HmRexWQhs3M
And that’s just month one!
Let alone getting deadly diseases from mosquitoes or unclean food and water. Or terrorism. Or being mugged!
To be honest though, I don’t spend a lot of time worrying about those things. They seem pretty far removed. Unlikely situations, at least right now.
The fears that consume me at the moment look more like this:
What if I fail the physical at Training Camp?
What if I don’t raise all of the money in time?
What if they reject me for some personal reason?
What if something happens that is out of my control?
And each of these fears, at the core, points to the biggest fear—being deferred to August or indefinitely.
On the surface, this may not seem like a huge deal. So what? I leave seven months later. But that would mean seven more months of living in America with my parents (whom I love, but still). Seven more months of having to stay in shape, when I’ve been prepping for the physical like a high school math test (Get the A and then it will be okay to promptly forget everything (Actually that’s not true, physical fitness will be important throughout the Race, but still)). And basically, putting my life on hold for an additional seven months. Seven months of waiting. Seven months of work. And even then not being sure if I will get the thing that I am hoping for- i.e. leaving for this trip.
In the Bible, Jacob works for Laban for seven years under the impression he would get to marry Laban’s daughter Rachel in return. Because he loved Rachel, the seven years felt like only a few days. But on their wedding day, Laban fooled him and gave him Leah instead, because she was the oldest, and told Jacob he had to work for him another seven years in order to marry Rachel too. (Genesis 29:15-30 https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis%2029:15-30)
It’s impossible to read this story without wondering what I would do if I were in Jacob’s position. Kill myself? Elope with Rachel? Cut my losses and go back home, or go somewhere else entirely?
But Jacob stays. And the thing is, it says the first seven years passed quickly. It doesn’t say that about the next seven years. I think when you work for something, knowing your reward, it is easy. But when you are delayed, when your plan gets messed up, when you are treated unfairly—that is something else entirely. Time drags on.
I don’t know that I have the resoluteness that Jacob had. Here I am, afraid of being delayed seven months, when he was delayed seven years. But I want to develop that trait- to be able to endure a hard situation and not give up. I want to be okay with God’s timing unconditionally. And, at the same time, to be wise and not be delayed unnecessarily (Did the man who once wore fake arm hair to impersonate his brother not think it important to double check the identity of the woman who got into bed with him?? (Genesis 27: 1-29 https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Genesis+27%3A1-29&version=NIV)) But I guess that’s beside the point. Whether I succeed or fail in the things I attempt to do, my life will go on, and at that point, I want God to be the one directing it.
Please pray with me that I may leave in January as I would like to. But come what may, let me serve God wherever I am, loving Him so much that seven years feel like only a few days.
