So many thoughts dance through my head as were in Cambodia. I’m heartbroken to leave Thailand as Thailand holds a piece of my heart and soul in that country and always will. My life is a mess of emotions I’m trying to struggle through. I don’t know exactly what to feel because my thoughts and emotions are all but a jumbled mess. This race has taught me that I used to walk in apathy. The reason why im having such a difficult time to seperate my emotions is because I have no idea how to separate my emotions at times. Im so new to feeling that I’ve forgotten how to remember the feeling attached to the word.
Apathy is where your able to numb down or push down your emotions for so long that you no longer can feel true emotions. You no longer feel sadness, anger, joy, happiness, pain, and so many more . The most you ever feel is a shadow of these emotions as you go about your life.
Becoming apathetic can happen after enduring something traumatic, it can also be a natural reflex after people have hurt you. It’s a defensive mechanism that allows us to pull into ourselves so we no longer feel. I have been walking in apathy for a long time no and didn’t even know it. Apparently I’ve been a really good actor, even to myself that I had no clue why I wasn’t truly feeling emotions. I was like a void.
God didn’t design us to walk in apathy. He created humans to have emotions for a reason. He wants us to feel pain. He wants us to feel joy. He wants us to feel sadness. He wants us to feel these things because walking as an emotionless zombie is extremely unhealthy. Apathy doesn’t allow us to grow or build relationships, it shoved God out of your life and wall upon wall begins to build. There won’t be true connections with people beciase there is no emotion attached behind it.
God will take down your apathy barrier because he cannot stand the fact that your cut off from his love and his grace. But you have to ask him to do so. God is an extremely patient God. But if you want something to happen, if you want something to change….ask. It’s so easy it’s laughable and he will follow through. It doesn’t feel like a bolt of lightning and BOOM your able to feel again. It’s gradual and bit by bit your walls are coming down. He heals you from past hurts that are in your way. And you’ll finally be able to feel joy, pain, anger, sadness, etc. It’s so freeing to look at a friend and instead of a blank void, you feel love and happiness rushing over you. You can laugh with abandonment when something is funny. You can cry when something hurts you. You can be angry when someone makes you mad.
When you feel emotion it doesn’t make you weak, instead it makes you stronger and invincible. Because through emotion God can work through you to reach other people and build a relationship with you as well. So if your walking in apathy ask God to take it away.
