When I was a junior in college, I was hired as an RA (Resident Assistant) in a freshman dorm. Towards the end of that year I decided to write a few short stories of my experience as an RA and one recently came to my mind because I feel it closely aligns with my thoughts towards the World Race. So, even though the following “blog” was written a couple of years ago, and has only ever been shared with a few people, I have decided that I wanted to share it with you.
It takes place about two weeks before the start of school, on a trip my RA team and I took to Mt. Hood. Here it is.
…
‘What am I doing here?’ I asked myself. My entire body was numb and I tried to pull the sweatshirt I had been wearing tighter around my torso as I shifted in my sleeping bag.
‘Why did I decide to sleep outside of the tent?’ I was laying on my stomach with my head turned to the side, half seeing sandy dirt and half seeing dark shadows being cast by the trees nearby. I was afraid to turn, first because turning would release precious body heat, and second, because I knew I had fallen asleep a little too close to a cliff and might get dizzy if I faced the drop off. I made a mental note of a rock, which was jabbing into my ribs and tried to tactfully slide off of it without losing too much body heat, but failed.
I couldn’t go back to sleep. I was too cold and I was too confused. Being an RA had barely entered my mind until two days before the application had been due. Yet, there I was, trying to fall asleep on a cliff on Mt. Hood, surrounded by thirteen other people, all but one were practically strangers, getting ready to spend an entire year as a 21 year old RA to twenty 18 year old freshman girls.
‘What could you possibly have been thinking Arielle?’ I softly asked myself aloud. Sandy dirt blew into my mouth and I coughed quietly, cutting the eerie silence of the night. I like the outdoors, I always have, but for some reason in that moment I felt alone and blind in the darkness. Staring at the black silhouettes of the trees didn’t help either. It was almost as if I were staring at the coming future; utterly dark and unknown. I shuttered, not knowing if it was a reaction to the cold, or the uncomfortable thought I had just provoked.
‘Why did God call me to this?’ I tried to wrap the towel I had pushed into my sleeping bag before I had gone to bed over my feet in a last, desperate attempt to keep warm. It didn’t work. My thoughts drifted back to God’s plan for me. I was going to leave Fox and go to Massachusetts. In my mind that plan had been pretty much set in stone. But God had different plans and again, there I was, on a cliff, with dirt in my mouth and an inner body temperature of 0. ‘You’re being dramatic.’ I thought to myself, deciding to push that last part of my previous thought away.
I always grew up hearing that the Lord had a great plan for my life. I was told that if I just trusted him, read his word, and kept his commands that I would be blessed, and maybe even happy. My mind drifted towards the possible future. I’m not exactly “star” material. You know, the people who have so much kindness, others start to notice before they even know the person. Or the people who are so mature and wise that you would go to them for advice at anytime, about anything. Or even the people who are so driven to be the best at what they do that you also become driven because they inspired you. ‘I’m none of that.’ I thought again.
I’m not someone who would have a movie made about them because of how their kindness, compassion, and humility triumphed, or because they overcame in the midst of trial, or how their overwhelming inspiration touched so many lives. No, I’m not “star” material. Then why am I here? Why am I about to be put in a situation where both kindness, and compassion are so important, where wisdom and discernment are vital, and inspiration is required? Why me? I’m not “star” material…
I shivered again and my body remembered how cold it was. I prayed for the Lord to make the sun come up sooner, just for today, so that I could stop being so cold. I then remembered the rock, which was still pushing it’s way deeper into my ribs and making them ache. As much as I didn’t want to move, the ache grew until I decided it was time to turn. I built up the courage to uncross my arms, which had been neatly tucked under my armpits, and flipped my body over as quickly as I could. My eyes were shut tightly, and I curled my legs into a bent position in response to my feet falling out of the towel in my sleeping bag. A rush of frigid air caught me by surprise, almost as if I had the wind knocked out of me when I thudded onto my back, and my eyes fluttered open as I gasped for a breath. It was then, I saw it…
It was a blur at first, the light, but as I caught my breath and blinked a few times I realized that the blur became sharp and crisp. A brigade of lights marched across the sky in perfect formation. Each one had a place in the never-ending galaxy above me. I stared into the sky with awe and wonder, unable to avert my gaze from the overwhelming beauty that was the stars.
I suddenly thought of Abraham, and how the Lord took him, an ordinary man, and used him for an extraordinary purpose.
In the silence, I heard a whisper in my heart as if it were floating on the breeze. “Count them,” it said.
“I cannot.” I replied.
“Then believe.” The Holy One spoke to my spirit.
…
So here I am. Two years later, having the same feelings of inadequacy towards the Race as I was towards being an RA. But, in the end, it all comes down to faith and turning towards the light. A photography professor of mine always used to say “It’s all about the light.” and oh, how right he was. When we look towards the light, and have faith that the Lord can use an ordinary person to do extraordinary things for his kingdom and his glory, all the feelings of inadequacy and doubt tend to fade away pretty quickly. And that’s about all I have to say about that.
Thanks for reading friends 🙂 If you would like to contribute to my World Race fund feel free to press the donate button. Or if you have any questions regarding my trip please don’t hesitate to contact me!
Blog dedicated to the memory of John Bennett – Thank you for teaching me that “It’s all about the light.”
