“ She’s imperfect, but she tries
She is good, but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won’t ask for help
She is messy, but she’s kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She’s gone but she used to be mine”
She used to be mine by Sara Bareilles
This part of my life I will call it “Vulnerable”
I still remember that girl, scared of the world in front of her and so many times blaming herself for the events in her life. Victim of bullying and believing the lies whispered in her ears and thoughts. Feeling she was not good enough and everyone around her was so talented and amazing but she was just the ugly, untalented and unseen girl. (Vulnerable! ) Is not what she asked for but she couldn’t feel different. No matter how hard she worked or how hard she fought to feel better, it was always the same. The only way she found to feel better was to try to be like someone else, I wish I could go back and be there and hug her and say “It’s ok girl! You will be fine, you don’t have to do this, you are good ENOUGH, you are LOVED, you will do things that you will never IMAGINE or THINK you will do, God will lead you to places you cannot imagine just BELIEVE! Your wildest DREAMS can’t compare with what God has in store! Just think about it, you don’t have to do this”… There she was trying to find answers and results in bulimia, listening to the voices in her mind, thinking “if I do what that girl does maybe everyone will accept me “ Pfff! Just lies!.Thanks God she could not afford it and one month after trying, she gave up with that, I cannot imagine the real result if she continued with that! So many years trying to find answers and fighting with her worst enemy –> herself. She could ask for some help, but she thought she was the only one in that “Shame’s spot”. What will people think about that? What will her mom think about that? She had a lot of worries, how can she bother her mom with her bored life.. It took so many years to find her own identity and value and understand she was worthy. And to understand it is ok to feel vulnerable sometimes. She had to learn she was loved, learn to love God, love people but mostly to love herself. Did you know approximate 4.7 million females and 1.5 million males are fighting every year with this type of disorder?. She never had suicidal thoughts but I can’t imagine how many people are fighting with that and how many of them we already lost. Sometimes as human beings or even as Christians we think that we have to be strong enough all the time for everything and for everyone. We feel we cannot be afraid or feel discouraged, overwhelmed. ‘Cause what will people think about us if we are not “good enough” or “strong enough”?. If I show them I am vulnerable they will use it to hurt me!
Going back to the story just for a little moment, after so many years, and after a lot of God’s conversations and God’s moments she just discovered that after all, she was good at so many things and God gave her a lot of gifts and ways to serve him and serve others and that she didn’t need to be who she wasn’t. One day someone asked her to paint a chalk wall and she was not pretty sure about it but she tried and she did it and it was better than what she thought. She saw someone playing guitar and she just loved it so she decided to learn and she did it, and some years after failed attempts and unending tears and “I am not good enough” thoughts she was asked to be a part of a worship band for 4 years (Currently). Also someone told her that maybe she could dance, so she decided to try and 2 years after that, there she was in her second show dancing in a full theater. And most importantly she was able to serve God loving others. (Find pictures below 🙂 )
Yes! I was that girl! Ashamed! Discouraged! Feeling worthless! Thinking that feeling vulnerable was a trigger for others to hurt me. Thinking it was an hourglass and as soon as it stops they will discover I was not good or cool enough. Let me tell you, what makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful! Vulnerability is the only bridge to build connections. It is our most accurate measurement of courage.. My prayer for you today is that you can find God in those moments but also that you can learn that you are not alone, and don’t be afraid to show your vulnerability! Because so many times it will lead you on the most incredible path and it will make you stronger and you will learn and you will grow in your faith, in your confidence, and your trust in God. You cannot get courage without walking through vulnerability. !
Feeding centers
Worship band
Not the chalk wall but one of my draws
Dancing (Hip-Hop)
PD: My epic face haha
Thank you for reading! 🙂
