I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open.
I don’t know if you have ever tried climbing a mountain with your hands wide open before. Well, just a couple weekends ago I decided to hike up a mountain for six hours to sleep on a dormant volcano to watch an active volcano, it was incredible. As I was in the third and fourth hour of the hike there was a moment where I was alone in my pace and climbing the mountain on my own. I decided to try and hike with my hands wide open. It was so difficult let me tell you.
I wanted to clutch to my baggage. I didn’t want to let go of my pack. I mean that’s how everyone else hikes so it’s okay if I do too right?
WRONG. Jesus called me to a place of allowing Him to carry my baggage for me and have me hold onto to nothing. So here goes nothing.
Why is it that the first time I had met another girl who had openly admitted her struggle with porn and masturbation was not until training camp?
There is no other way to transition into this topic without flat out saying it.
It started when I was about in eighth grade this struggle and has been something I held shame to until I was about a 18 years old.
Pretty often I heard testimonies about all of the boys in my class that had such a struggle with porn and had someone to go to and they were able to overcome their struggle. Praise Jesus!
So seldom I hear about woman who have struggled with this addiction. When I had met my squadmate at training camp who so easily told me about her past addiction I was able to shine light on my addiction too. It was this moment of freedom and redemption I was able to realize I was worthy of.
That is how it started anyways, not realizing my worth, knowing there was something I felt missing inside of myself (Christ was missing), and filling that with something easy and accessible.
Although that struggle was over with I did not realize I had to be healed from this. I did not see this as an open wound that was not tended to. You see, I did not realize the Lord’s character. I knew if you accepted Jesus into your heart then you go to Heaven, then the Lord revealed to me that He heals. To which I assumed this healing was just physical healing, until that moment when I was standing there with a gash in my soul and Jesus the surgeon was ready clean the wound and patch me up.
This wound was guilt and shame because although I would have patches where I believed I was finished with porn, I would always go back to it. I knew the capability of the Lord and how He could so easily take this sin away from me, but He did not. That was until I went to Him in full surrender. So although I was done with the physical act, I was not fully done until His light shone in when I was being vulnerable with Him alone, and then later allowed my squadmate to carry this burden with me. The shame needed to go away. In that shame, I felt like a hypocrite. I felt like I was living a double life in which I could never be the person I was called to be. The guilt of this act would leave me in tears (very often), and overall would put me in a place of darkness where I felt tied up.
Porn kills love. Even though the Lord fully loves me, my shame blocked me from loving Him back. I would oftentimes be frustrated because I would see what the Lord was doing in other people’s lives and wonder why I was “being ignored”.
“Do you know why He [God] doesn’t answer prayer right away? Because He wants to talk to us, and sometimes that’s the only way to get us to stay and talk to Him. His heart is for relationships, for shared adventure to the core,” Wild at Heart by John Eldredge
In the Lord taking a step back in His words, His actions spoke to me even more. He lead others to me and continued to lead others to me so that more chains would break and more light will shine on darkness.
Please believe me when I say that I really did not want to post this blog, for obvious reasons, but the Lord’s heart is so kind. His forgiveness is so great and His healing is supernatural. He has called me to so much higher and that includes bringing something I have not admitted to anyone who has not apart of the race to the light. Family and friend’s back home, I ask that as you read this you only see the Lord’s character and love for me.
As I post this I need you to understand I was in righteous anger when I had decided to write this blog. I had seen where the Father restored my heart and where I felt freedom but was reminded of those who are out there and have yet to fully understand this. So this is for you. People who have also struggled with porn and masturbation, know you are not alone. Know that this dark thing is so miniscule to the Lord’s love and can be overcome. Let’s talk.
I thank you for reading this very vulnerable blog. I thank you for being apart of my journey on the race. I thank you for your patience in me having not blogged in 30 years.
Porn is not just a guy’s problem, it is a people problem. (Timothy Ateek Breakaway Ministries https://subsplash.com/breakaway/messages/mi/+x3yqq39)
“9 But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. 10 Once you were not a people, but now you are God’s people; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.
11 Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul. “ 1 Peter 2:9-11
“16 Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” James 5:16
