I have always been an insecure person. My worth has been built on how others see me, how I see me, then mixed in with a little of how God sees me.
I am slowly learning who I am in Him, but it is a process. I still have days where I feel completely worthless. As the months go on, those times of feeling worthless are becoming less frequent (PRAISE!), but they still do happen occasionally.
I have had one of those days recently this week and I came to a dark conclusion, as you can tell by the title.
One day walking in the city with my team, I was having one of those days where I felt as worthless as dirt. About as beautiful as shh…well, you know, and I was believing every lie.
God then stopped me in my tracks with a simple question, “Do you hate yourself?”
Shocked and really taken back I immediately answer, “what? NO!”
Again, he asks, “Do you hate yourself?”
Dumbfounded, I realize all the lies I was believing a minute before, and realized the answer to that question is actually, yes.
God has been showing himself to me in a new way this year. He gives me visions. Mostly, they are short image clips where I can see Him and feel His heart for me. Sometimes the visions are tangible and real, and I can actually see Him (this will be a blog in the future because it changed everything for me).
This time, it wasn’t necessarily a vision, but a revelation and feeling. He let me feel his heart, and it felt so BROKEN. Really broken.
This is the revelation that took my breath away.
Imagine creating something. You are so proud of your creation. Your smile is gigantic when you just think of it. Then, when you look at it…whoa…it is INCREDIBLY beautiful. The love you have for this creation cannot be measure or contained. You lavish this creation with so much beauty and blessings because you just LOVE it. You even create it in your own image, and it represents you now. Your thoughts about this creation are so numerous, vast, and loving. You see no flaw in it. It is yours.
Imagine this creation is alive, and it hates itself. When it looks at itself it doesn’t see the beauty that the Creator sees, it sees flaws. It sees itself as worthless. Ugly. A waste of space. Broken.
Man…that would break the Creator’s heart. The creation doesn’t see the beauty that it is worth. It is a reflection of the Creator, but still sees itself as worthless.
Well…my heart shattered. I felt God’s heart break for the things that I was believing about myself.
I hate myself, but I don’t want to anymore. I want to see myself as Christ sees me, and I want to love the person He has created me to be.
I want to accept His love without condition, which is as it comes.
I want to know without a shadow of a doubt that I am loved, not because I spent time with Him today, or helped an old lady cross the street, or even prayed a bold prayer of healing over someone.
I am loved, just because I am.
These past few days, I have had some really good times with the Lord. These pictures are what came out of it. I think it is so powerful and that it can help someone else, so here it is.
Don’t worry. I am knowing my worth, there will soon be a day where I know who I am without any doubt or hesitation. The devil fears that day. I kinda smile at that.
I am loved, just because I am.
SO ARE YOU!
Love,
-a
