D I S S A T I S F I E D
S T R I V I N G
V I C T I M
These are the three words that I would use to describe myself five months ago. During my time as a Team Leader, God has been increased my awareness so much. My awareness about who I used to be, and who he wants me to become.
I got off the field from my Race on June 5th, 2018.
I left the country again on September 12th, 2018.
My small chunk of time in the States was really hard. Instead of being present, instead of spending my time anticipating what God was going to do in a new season of life, I chose to give into anxiety and busied myself. It was overwhelming, and it was easier than facing the reality that I didn’t trust God and wasn’t fully surrendered to him. Rather than allowing God to walk with me through the grief and processing of my Race, I kept him at an arms length because I was angry and confused. Angry that my community felt like it was being ripped away from me. Angry that I felt like I was losing things that mattered deeply to me. Confused because it didn’t make sense why God would take those things away.
I became dissatisfied with everything that felt foreign and uncomfortable to me. My family. My friends from home. A new season of life that I was jumping into – team leading. I was so dissatisfied with it all. i wanted nothing but what I had, and what I had I felt like I was losing. Rather than emptying my hands in surrender, I chose to clench my fists and hold on for dear life. I didn’t chose to trust that God was good to me, but instead turned to self-preservation. I made excuses for my unhealthy choices. I ran. I isolated. I wallowed in my emotions.
My dissatisfaction and victim mindset caused me to strive to preserve the past rather than enjoy the newness of what God was creating in my life. I wasn’t a world racer anymore; instead I was a team leader. I wasn’t living overseas anymore; instead I had people who deeply loved and cared about me within my reach. I wasn’t surrounded by my Gap O community anymore; instead I had new community within Gap V.
“…to bestow on them a crown of beauty INSTEAD of ashes, the oil of joy INSTEAD of mourning, and a garment of praise INSTEAD of a spirit of despair.” (Isaiah 61:3a, emphasis mine)
God was doing this exact thing in my life, but I was too wrapped up in being a victim that I was unable to see it until now.
A W A R E
H E A L T H Y
B E A U T I F U L
In spite of how I chose to unhealthily cope with change and transition this past summer, God has been steady in his character. He chose to give me undeserved grace, chose to bring life out of my failure, and has turned my humanity into testimony. I’m his kid, so… DUH. I know now that he loves me enough to discipline and convict me. DUH, he would choose to do this. That’s who he is.
Discipline and conviction has happened often in these past three months. Once I chose to trade my distrust and striving for surrender, God was able to reveal – in the most kind and loving way – areas of my life where I was choosing death. And that awareness hurt… a lot. The best kind of hurt, so it was painful and necessary. But I’m thankful for it because the awareness that comes from conviction has produced health in my life.
I’m thankful that I know what I reach for when I’m unhealthy.
I’m thankful that I know where + when I have a hard time trusting the Lord and surrendering.
I’m thankful that I know how much i can offer people when I’m abiding in God and intentionally choosing healthy things. (+ vice versa).
I’m thankful that I know that I have a lot of influence.
The conviction, the pain, the health, the awareness… all of it is beautiful. God has taught me that I have no good thing apart from him (psalm 16:2). Because I have chosen to abide + trust (not quickly, not easily, and not without anger), God has refined me. Fire. I’m a little bit closer to gold because of the refinement that I’ve experienced (2 Timothy 1:5-6). I am beautiful because God – in this season – has fashioned me to look more like who I was created to be + more like Jesus. I am rejoicing because of that.
C H A L L E N G E
O U T P O U R I N G
I N F L U E N C E R
I shared three words that described who I was, three words that describe who I am, and I’ve chosen three words that describe who I want to become. I want to challenge myself by choice and be challenged by others. This challenge will help grow my intimacy with Jesus. I want to be constantly pouring myself out because I’m constantly connected to God. I want to be someone who – because she is aware of her influence – stewards her influence well by bringing Holy Spirit inspired perspective into every situation.
Will you join me in praying these things over my life?
Thanks for reading.
– Lyss
