12 days.
It’s funny how life goes. 277 days ago, I wrote a blog titled “18 days.”
277 days ago, I was 18 days away from leaving everything I’d ever known.
Now I’m 12 days away from leaving everything that’s become familiar.
277 days ago, I was filled with so much fear, so much uncertainty, and so much anxiety. I was about to travel the world with 45 people I had just met. I was leaving my family, my friends, my home. I was taking the biggest step of faith I’d ever taken in my life.
277 days ago, I said these very words:
“I’m not ready to go on the World Race… I don’t think that I’ll ever be. But that’s something that’s really cool about God: He puts us in situations that make us discover that we are WEAKER than WEAK. And then He shows us how strong he is.”
For the past nine months, the Lord has pressed me, crushed me, stretched me, poured into me, re-shaped me, and breathed life into me. I’ve never felt more weak in my life, yet never been filled with the perfect power of Christ.
I am not who I used to be.
But I’m SCARED to go home. I’m scared to face people I haven’t seen in 9 months. I’m scared suddenly to be ripped away from the people that have become my family. I’m scared to lose friendships, memories, and my desire for Jesus. I’m scared that I’m going to become exactly who I was 18 days before I left for the World Race.
277 days ago I found myself at a crossroads: I could either step out in faith and trust that the Lord was going to take care of me, or I could crumble under the weight of all my fear. I could strive, or I could surrender.
I think I’ve found myself at the same crossroads. Except now I say this:
I’m not ready to go home… I don’t think that I’ll ever be. But this is something I’ve tasted and seen and BELIEVE to be true about my God: He puts us in situations that make us discover that we are WEAKER than WEAK. And then He shows us how strong he is.
These fears I have are but an iota compared to the majesty and glory of the God I serve. He knows my fears. He knows my heart. He knows that change scares the living crap out of me. He knows ME.
And, you see, I’m free.
Not only am I free from old Alyssa, but I’m free to choose new Alyssa every single day. God offers me life, and I get to decide if I’ll choose it.
So I choose life. Because I was reminded today that death is no longer an option for me. I’m too far gone. I’m too in love with Jesus. I’ve tasted and seen too much to just fall back into my old ways.
I surrender.
I lay my fears down at the feet of my Jesus. And Jesus… he’s loves me too well. He takes my face in his hands every time I come to him. He looks in my tear-filled eyes, he looks at my tiny faith, and he says, “Daughter, stop striving.”
So I choose surrender. I will walk with my hands wide open, trusting the God that has brought me over mountains, through valleys, and out of shadows for the past 9 months.
Jesus, here I am. Hands wide open. No more striving. No more giving into fear. Grieving, feeling emotions, but not giving into it all. Surrender. I trust that you have even better things for me in this next season of life than you brought in the past one.
And this past one was pretty dang good.
See you in 12 days, New York.
-Lyss
