“Shackles choke my wrists and the chain extends to a wall. With every passing moment, it seems as if my wrists grow bigger and the shackles tighten on them. Panic bubbles within me and anxiety begins to grip my heart. I start to yank at the chains but nothing happens. Trapped. Fear seems to fill my whole body and then I lose it. I start going crazy. I pull and pull and pull. My arms are flailing about and blood seeps from beneath the shackles. My wrists start throbbing and the pain is searing. Tears start pouring down my face and I hear this voice:
“Stop.”
It keeps being repeated to me over and over again. But I can’t stop. I have to get free. On and on this voice goes. It doesn’t go higher or lower, but says the same.
“Stop. Stop. Stop.”
My crying turns to sobbing because I just can’t stop. I just can’t. I keep pulling and pulling and nothing keeps happening. Finally, exhaustion hits and I can’t keep going. I fall, and strong arms catch me. I sob and my heart aches while these arms just hold me. After awhile I look up and see that the shackles and chains are gone. I didn’t even notice. My wrists are raw and new blood mixes with the caked blood. Then these strong hands pick me and take me to a sink.
“Do you trust me?”
I nod.
Then he turns on the water and gently starts to wash my wrists. The water stings and his rubbing off my blood hurts. Then he sits me down.
“Do you trust me?”
More hesitant this time, I nod.
He starts to rub salve all over my wrists. And when it dries, he puts more on. He repeats this process again, and again, and again.
Alyssa, sit with him and stay seated. Allow him to keep rubbing salve on your wounds until you are fully healed. Stop. Sit. Let him do the work. He wants to. Let him.”
These words are from a letter that my teammate, Kyla, gave to me earlier this week.
The Lord has been walking me through a LOT of things lately, and my reaction hasn’t been to stop and sit in it.
I’ve tried to fix it all. I’ve tried to be enough. I’ve tried to uphold this standard of perfection that is so impossible to attain. Striving, striving, striving. I can’t seem to escape it.
Kyla’s words sum up exactly how I’ve felt for the past couple of weeks. But I think I’m on the verge of breaking down and surrendering.
Almost.
Pray that I press into this. Pray that I don’t run away from painful things. Pray for endurance and wisdom and ears that listen. Pray for wisdom and clarity.
Thanks for reading. Hope this pushed and encouraged you as much as it did me.
-Lyss
