Rivne, Ukraine.
Our time here has been incredibly sweet. God has blessed us with an appartment close to ministry, amazing hosts, and my favorite time of year. The leaves are changing and the trees are full of yellows, browns and reds. As I said in my last blog post, this month we are teaching english to adults. We began our english program on Monday, and it has been so nice getting to know the students and share the gospel with them through studying English. On Monday I had the opportunity to share my testimony, and it is crazy to see how much I have changed over a month. Before the race if I was asked to share my testimony I would have been terrified. Public speaking is far from my favorite thing to do, and usually I become extremily nervous. But going into ministry I asked for the Holy Spirit to show up. I asked Him to fill me with His peace that passes understanding.. and He did. For the first time, I was able to stand to stand in front of a crowd of about 70 and actually enjoy public speaking!!!
You may ask, ” Then what changed from before the race to now?” The answer is this: my faith. In previous instances where I have had to speak I asked for the Holy Spirit, but I was more concerned with me. I didn’t really let Him fill me with His presence, because I was too focused on me and my apperance to those I was speaking too. This is something the Lord has been teaching me lately that I can do ALL things, but I have to call on Him to provide me with the tools I need to accomplish that task.
As with everything, learning to call on the Lord and trust Him in all situations is a process, and there will be times I slip up. but God is also showing me that just as I need to give grace to others, I also need to give grace to myself. Because as fallen, sinful humans, we are all going to mess up.
Again, and again, and again.
But that doesn’t matter. As long as we offer up all we have to the Lord that is enough.
As I have been struggling with my worth, the Lord has shown me that no matter how broken or how weak I feel, the Lord is still going to use me for the kingdom. He told me that he is going to renew me this year; pick up all my broken pieces and put them back together more beautifully.
Even though this process hurts and its hard, I’m so excited to come out on the other side of these woods and see the light of day. The other day when I was praying the Lord gave me an image of myself. It was a black sheet stretched out, incredibly dark and void of any light. Suddenly, a hole appearned in the sheet, and light was spilling through it. Over and over, more holes started to appear and eventually all there was was light pouring out.
Bright,
bold,
pure
light.
At training camp the Lord told my leaders that I was going to find redemption this year. At the time, I had no idea what that meant. but I believe what it means is that he is doing to re-define how I see myself this year, and redeem me of my low self worth.
The black sheet is who the enemy says I am-filled with imperfections, doubt, void of light, weak, broken, etc.
But the Lord is destroying the black sheet. He is poking holes in it one at a time and its painful, but it is making me more beautiful and more of Him is spilling out every time He pokes a hole.
It’s a process.
One that could take a veryyyy long time.
But in the end, I cannot wait to see myself as the beautiful, creative, adorned daughter of Christ that I know I am.
It will all be worth it.
