Just when I thought the healing was done. God says there is more. Rejection from men was just the top layer, deep down there is another issue unsettled.
Truth is…You don’t love yourself.
How do you love yourself, when you experience rejection over and over again? How do you love yourself in a world that tells you who you should be?
I discovered that peoples thoughts about me have determined what I think about myself, mainly with people that I love and care for deeply in my life. I didn’t realize it until God called me on a 40 day daniel fast, to remove the people that was covering up Gods perspective of me.
The first half of my fast was easy to be obedient to the foods that I wasn’t suppose to eat, but the last half became much more difficult. I felt like a failure. I began looking around at my team mates thinking “What would they think if I had that cup of coffee or if I had a cake to celebrate a birthday?” I became so focused on what they would think instead of what God thinks….
It was a Sunday morning at church, there was free coffee and I wanted some. Hakeem brought me a cup and I sat there in service, contemplating why this fast has been much more difficult this second half to say no to the things I love. I began praying, God “I am so weak, I need you and I know I need you but I am struggling to be obedient to this fast. Maybe I should ask my team mates be accountable for me?” I heard this resounding “NO” from the Lord, and I imagined him putting his foot down like a father who disciplines his children. The Lord said “This has never been about the food, it has been about you caring more about what I think and less about what others think. He reminded me of those times when I would look around and think about what my team mates were thinking. He said “Even if I said it was okay, you still would have cared about what they thought. Thats what we are working on.” Ohhhhhhhh [Lightbulb]
The rest of my month in Kazakstan, God was working on my heart in this area. Making me aware of the littlest ways I look to others for my affirmation even when I know in my heart what God thinks or feels about it.
I had several instances where I felt misunderstood [which is what I hate more than anything, and do not feel loved by people when this happens], and times where I was personally attacked in regards to my heart, character and actions; assuming these things about me when it was not the case at all.
GOD said…”What does it matter what _______ thinks? What do you know to be true about your heart, your character and about this situation? What do I know about your heart, your character and this situation? Why does it matter if you are misunderstood by people if you are understood by me??…. Because that is ALL that matters, what I think and know, and what you know to be true.
[THIS doesn’t mean that we are above correction, accepting feedback, learning and growing from community around us] THIS is more about our IDENTITY being in CHRIST, and not our peers. JUST TO BE CLEAR.
Stripped. Everything taken away, this year. Every person I love. A unhealthy relationship where I was fighting to be loved, gone. To get me to this moment of realization, that only His opinions of me matter. In a world fighting for your identity, you can choose what the world wants or you can say no and be who you were created to be and love how you were created.
WHO cares if you have blonde or brown hair? If you are a size 0 or size 12, who cares if you have a bubbly personality or rather be in the background? Who cares if you have dark skin or pale white? WHO sets these standards?? Who says???
God created us individually and uniquely, with each a different purpose and a different passion.
Why compare myself to someone else when I was made to be me?
Who cares if a guy (or) girl chose to be with someone else and not you? THAT doesn’t mean that you aren’t good enough, it just means it wasn’t what God meant for you and He has something different. You have to CHOOSE to know the difference and don’t compare, because there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.
If you are waiting for someone to choose to commit to you…WALK AWAY.
…..IF you have to change for anyone then they don’t really love the real YOU, you can lose yourself in the process. It is NOT worth it, not worth all the heartache and pain that come with it… TRUST ME!!
…..and if you are trying to change a person to mold to your standards or expectations…you are wrong for that and you need a heart check!
Waiting is BETTER than years of disappointment and regret.
If someone makes false assumptions about you and questions your character or treat you poorly, show them more of your character by how you respond [in love] and don’t let their thoughts determine your actions!!!
How do we break this vicious cycle and believe truth rather than the lies or expectations people put on us, and stop carrying these unrealistic expectations for ourselves?
Seek God. Invite him into this process and allow him to make you aware of your thoughts and actions.
Let His truth [what does the word say? What is He speaking to you?] about you become your reality. Care more about HIS thoughts, not the people whose love for you wavers and is as unsettled as the sea.
When people give you compliments…do not adopt that comment as your identity. In that moment you can unintentionally adopt that compliment as your identity, then you begin looking for reassurance by people to validate you.
Don’t look at past rejection, focus on the VICTORY and LOVE you have in JESUS.
The only SURE love is Gods love for us!!!
Period.
The only way we can truly love ourselves is by knowing who God is and what He says about us.
Worshipping God and not ourselves is how we fall deeper in love with him and gain a more beautiful picture of his love for us.
This isn’t a “one day” I received Jesus so “I’m good”, its a LIFESTYLE.
Following and falling in love with Jesus everyday.
Worship is an experience with God that creates a Lifestyle of Freedom.
When I begin to look at what I “don’t have,” is when I lose sight of what I do…Which is HIM. I realized, I do truly love myself when I am worshiping God and focused on my relationship with Him.
Worship brings Freedom. Truth brings Healing. Romans 8: 31-39
