People tell us to share our stories, but what if our story is full of guilt and shame. How can we share who we truly are if we are so afraid of judgement? The problem with that is God has already taken away our guilt and shame. He does not want us to suffer any longer! We may go through times in our lives where we are mortified to share our stories but our stories are not our own. We are apart of God’s story. I want to share with you the story God allowed me to be apart of.
I was only fifteen years old when I entered through that stained glass door that day. It was a Wednesday evening and the air was crisp. As I turned the corner down the stairs, my stomach was filled with discomfort. I looked into the room to see a group of kids with distraught faces plastered on them. All I hear is question after question. “How could this happen?” “Is it true? Did he do it?” “I don’t believe this.” A pause breaks through, as if time has stopped. I was the reason for all these questions being asked. Me. Only a fifteen year old girl. Now all I could think is, “How could I have caused so much pain and chaos?” I walk up to the other youth leaders. They escort me to a different room. As I approach the couch I start to tear up. Nothing would prepare me for what would happen next. “I think..” he takes in a deep breath, “I think it’s best if you do not come back to church for a while…” I was only fifteen when the church asked me to leave because of some pain that was inflicted on me. I guess it is safe to say I never wanted to step foot in that building ever again. Although, you might be confused to what I am even talking about. So let’s backtrack to that previous summer. I was going through my first break up. I may have only been fourteen at the time, but as a teen it felt like my whole world was falling apart. During this time I was struggling with low self-esteem and image issues. I wanted to have purpose, so I decided I would have my own personal relationship with God. I sought out guidance from my youth pastor. He became my mentor and shortly after my “dad”. You see I never had a dad present in my life. My parents divorced when I was only three years old. My youth pastor invested in my life like a real father should. We would hit softballs in the green grass, we would go see our favorite thrillers on the big screen, and we would taste test at our favorite restaurants. Our relationship consisted of laughter and love. Completely harmless besides the fact that often times we were alone and I was a minor at the time. What we had though developed quickly in an unhealthy manner, leading my youth pastor to take advantage of me sexually. From there the headlines read, “Bail set for youth pastor accused of sex crime”.
I found myself in a deep depression. I was asked to leave the church, and my new home became the court house. I never meant to cause trouble, I simply wanted help. Yet somehow I did not feel as though I was the victim, rather I was the criminal. As time went on I found myself in a place of darkness. Truthfully, I am not sure I should even be here but God silently guided me through the storm. The next four years of my high school career I coasted through. I found comfort in drugs and alcohol to numb the pain. But then God lead me to Colorado Christian University. I am not sure why I chose a Christian school, after all I had been through in the church, but God had something else in store for me. However, I want to state that I do not despise the church or what happened. I simply found it hard to be involved in a Christian community. Ultimately, I blamed God and strayed away. I am lucky enough to say that even though I turned my back on Him, He never left me.
Coming to my first semester of college was great, well for awhile. Then came the darker months. As winter struck the beautiful state of Colorado I was back in a pit of darkness. I started to go back to all those haunting questions, “Why me? Why did I have to go through this? Why can I not move on?” Being as though I was in the state of Colorado where everything is legal I decided to take part in my old ways. However, God did not let me off the hook for long. Actually not even 24 hours and someone found out. I was put into counseling because not only was I using but I also was harming myself. Instead of being kicked out for my irresponsible ways they gave me a second chance. I was shown compassion and grace. Before this I would have never spoken up because I was afraid to ask for help. I was afraid of judgement but this time I was glad people were aware of my mental state. I found out that people do care about what you are going through. I needed someone to enter into my path and listen. Little did I know God was right there the whole time. My heart was changed but no it did not happen overnight. Being surrounded by caring friends, professors, and pastors lead me to see the light again. Before I wanted to end it, I wanted complete darkness, I wanted to go back home. But God’s plans are always better than what we have in store for ourselves. He now has me on this new journey. Which I am starting to question a little bit. Applying for the Worldrace has been the hardest challenge he has given me but like I said his ways are always for the better. I cannot deny this man because of what He has done for my life! Follow me along this journey because your story is not your own.
Thanks for reading a chapter of the story.
