This month I asked God to break my heart. I’d found myself becoming more apathetic, more rational, less emotional.
And He broke it, just not the way I expected Him to.
I never knew my biological father. I also never had a desire or curiosity to know him because I have never lacked a father figure. I grew up with a wonderful grandfather and then a wonderful adoptive dad. Sure, I’d wanted to know information just for knowing’s sake, but not because I actually cared.
But God’s been softening my indifferent heart the past eight months and last month in Romania, I began to get curious.
When my mom came to see me a few weeks ago she brought me a couple pictures of him and gave me more information than I’d had. I even began throwing around the idea in my head that I might want to meet him when I get home from the race.
So, when my team arrived here in Bulgaria I began doing my own research to find him. I eventually found his and his wife’s Facebook pages.
I didn’t find what I wanted to.
It turns out that he had passed away six years ago.
I didn’t know what to feel. Or how I thought I was allowed to feel. This man wasn’t involved in my life at all, but I still felt the pain of loss. Loss of someone I never knew and would never know.
Regret set in and I began to blame myself. “If only I’d been ready six years ago…”. “If only” this and “if only” that. Before I was even able to figure out what I thought this relationship might look like, it was taken away from me.
But I ended up messaging his wife and telling her who I was. She was incredibly sweet and offered any information that I might want. I, honestly, was shocked. I didn’t expect an answer, let alone one so accepting and warm.
At church on Sunday we sang “Who You Say I Am” and there’s a verse that says “In my Father’s house, there’s a place for me”. I couldn’t get through singing it because I just started crying. I realized in that moment that God was breaking my heart, just like I’d asked Him to.
I don’t know why God took him away before we got to meet. All I know is, is that even through this confusing heartbreak, He remains faithful. He remains my comfort, my joy, and my reason for doing what I’m doing.
