Personally, my favorite number is 22. I wore it on my back through all the basketball seasons I could, and until this past year it was also my favorite age to be. Now, freshly 25, I am looking at 28 days until I leave my home for 11 months. Numbers are everywhere right now. I’m counting down days till I leave, counting days I’ll be gone, counting the things I’ll miss, the things I’ll gain, the number of socks and shirts I should pack… It is unending.
28 days hit me HARD this morning. It is only a month, just a few weeks. I have never felt this feeling before. The feeling of the number 28 and what it means to me right now. Let’s get raw. I am struggling to go much longer than an hour at any given time without feeling as if I am going to burst into tears. There are things here at home that I simply love more than words on a page can express. People in particular. While I know they are proud of me and have my back in all of this, a year away from seeing them infront of me is a hard thing to accept.
I have plenty of great friends, a biological family, and a church family. I found myself wiping my cheeks off as I left my final dentist appointment yesterday with a bag extra full of toothbrushes and mouth wash that they loaded me down with for my journey.
I have recently been really amazed at how deeply I am capable of loving. Realizing that leaving for a year is coming in hot has made my emotions come to surface full force. And they are DEEP. It is messy and beautiful. I am thankful for how powerful emotions can be. Today I stepped back and considered how much more capable God is of loving… even compared to me right now. It pretty much blew my mind. Incomprehensible love.
Then, I tried to wrap my mind around the thought that He loves ALL His children with that capability…. How much He even loves someone that has yet to know His name…. Somewhere among the 11 countries I am going, is there someone I can tell about Him that doesn’t know yet? Even just one person. If through me, God was able to finally share His love with one single person who hasn’t felt it yet it would make all the pain of me leaving my loved ones behind worth it. Because even next to my bursting heart and uncontrolled tears at 28 days to go, He loves DEEPER.
More so, that loving relationship with Him offers sufficient grace for us to be able to spend eternity in His presence. Coming to that conclusion does not exactly take all the emotions away that I am feeling. It does make them beautiful and totally worth it though. There is nothing I can do with the number 28 except surrender it for 27, and then 26…. Before long, 0 will come and my entire comfort zone and every familiar face I know will disappear for 11 months. Because of God, it will be good.
