This week at debrief, our stateside leadership flew out to Cusco to join us in a week of rest and renewal. As we begin to prepare to merge back into American culture, they wanted to set us up for success. They invited us into a bit of dreaming and vision casting for our next few years. We created a list of core values for our lives, then narrowed them down to three (or if you’re indecisive like me, five). These values were meant to spark whatever comes next for us.
I learned way more about myself than I anticipated. My 5 core values are love/affection, creativity, curiosity, service, and courage. The first four made total sense, but the last one, courage, got me thinking. I haven’t always been courageous. In fact, if you knew me as a child, you’d probably define me as timid, shy, maybe even anxious, but definitely not courageous or bold. I was a big fat chicken. So how have I grown to so value courage?
Let’s start from the beginning:
At 3 years old, I was so shy my preschool teachers thought I couldn’t talk. Off to a great start.
At 5, my neighbor would drop me off at school and have to drag me out of the car because I was so scared of going into school. I never voiced that I was fearful, just stubborn, so it sure made for some interesting carpooling.
At 7, I was changing clothes in a stall and my pants got stuck. I was so embarrassed that I stayed in the bathroom until a janitor found me. I’ve never told anyone that. And I’m cry-laughing as I type it for the entire world to see. So ridiculous.
At 10, I signed up for the talent show and faked sick the night of. I still remember my baton-twirling routine, and no, you can’t see it.
At 14, I withdrew from soccer try-outs because I was worried I couldn’t run fast enough. I mean I couldn’t, but I even had a coach willing to train me.
At 18, I walked into my first frat party out of fear of rejection. Nobody pressured me, and my friends would’ve still loved me the same, but I drastically changed my college experience with one decision.
And at 20 years old, I stayed in a toxic relationship, afraid of a boy and the off chance that the things he said about me were true. They weren’t.
When I look back at myself through the years, my heart aches. Not because of shame or regret, but because I see the weight of the pain and fear I carried for so long. I see a little girl that was so fearful of the world that she didn’t get to be her full self.
But I can also tell you the very first time I chose courage. Because people who are scared of the world don’t ever forget their big wins!
I was two years old. My mom sent me to a Mothers’ Day Out program at a local church. A little girl named Laney got up out of her chair to go play so I sat in it. It was right in front of the screen that was showing Barney, so obviously I wanted it. She came back, and I guess she told me to get out of the chair and I wouldn’t. Basically she ended up clawing me in the face and we became BFFs. Don’t ask me how that works. But it does. My teachers were so proud of me for standing up for myself, and that moment somehow bonded us together forever.
As a tiny toddler with blonde hair, big blue eyes, and cheeks that turned the color of tomatoes when in distress, standing up for myself took a lifetime of courage. One second of bravery managed to solidify a friendship for eternity. For 23 years, Laney has walked alongside me through every mountain and every valley. She’s loved me at my worst and celebrated me at my best. We went to every family vacation together and shared a dorm room in college. She’ll stand beside me one day at my wedding, and she’ll be an aunt to my kids.
Those bangs, though.
You see, God honors moments of courage, no matter how tiny they are. Something that seemed so insignificant changed the course of my life.
And although my moments of courage were few and far between growing up, the Lord has done something radical with my twenties. And I know he wants to radically change you, too, if you aren’t quite as bold as you’d like to be. We aren’t meant to live in fear. We are designed to live in such intimate relationship with God that we walk fearlessly through life. The Bible is full of scripture about fear and anxiety. And as a follower of Christ, you get to cling to those promises that God will sustain you.
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9
I don’t know about you, but knowing that the God who is all-knowing and good and kind is with us always brings a whole bunch of peace. I still ask too many questions, and I still assess my risk and how far I can fall if I fail. But my confidence in a God that has my very best intentions in mind has grown tremendously. I press on through fear knowing that there’s absolutely nothing to be afraid of.
“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7
And if the worst thing that happens is I fail, so what? Failure is not the end of the world. It brings strength and character and a whole bunch of great stories. You get to teach and encourage others who walk through similar moments.
I’ve backpacked an entire country alone, jumped off a mountain in Nepal, and out of obedience to the Lord, quit my full time job and dropped my security to travel the world. And here’s the thing about obedience. It only requires a tiny ounce of courage to say yes, and if you ignore it, you might miss out on every awesome thing the Lord has for you. Like preaching in an African church full of people hungry for that same courage God is asking you to step into. But if you just build up enough courage to say yes, your life could change forever. And you might just find that you’re a lot braver than you ever though possible.
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
“Humble yourselves, then, under God’s mighty hand, so that he will lift you up in his own good time. Leave all your worries with him, because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:6-7
