My heart for this blog is to bring all of you into the process that the Lord has me walking through during this transition of seasons from a squad member with no assigned responsibilities to being raised up as a squad leader (SQL).
Near the end of our time in Myanmar, our leadership asked me to step into the role of a raised up squad leader (RSQL). An SQL has a pastoral role in the squad…making sure that the squad as a whole is healthy and casting vision for ministry and for growth, dealing with conflict, and a host of other responsibilities. My initial reaction to being invited into this role was to tell Jeremy, Essie, and Lacie that I needed to pray about if this was the right move for me….as soon as the words “I need to pray about it” came out of my mouth, I heard Papa speaking to me in the funny way that I often hear Him… He said, “You are being silly. Why do you need to ask me about it, dummy? I’m the one that is calling you to this.”…I had to chuckle a little and then immediately let leadership know that I would humbly accept the invitation to serve the squad.
After our squad debrief in Yangon, Myanmar…Elva (the other RSQL) and I were set to travel China with our alumni squad leaders: Jeremy, Essie, and Lacie….our goal was to overland travel from Shanghai to meet the rest of the squad in Beijing over a period of two weeks and to mix the SQL training in along the way. The real life training began as we were leaving a city called Linyi…we were about 20-30 minutes into our 4.5 hour bus ride to Qingdao when I realized that I had left my passport back at the hostel in Linyi…..yea, that was definitely an “Oh crap” moment. So, Lacie got the bus driver to stop for Elva and I to get off and go to find my passport. The driver pulled off the highway onto an exit where he said there would be no taxis, so Elva and I knew we needed to start asking the Lord how we were going to get back to the hostel. We walked for a bit and then through a divine turn of events Papa got us where we needed to be and I found my passport in the cube that I had been staying in at the hostel. We ended up staying that night in Linyi..with a plan to get up and get on the morning bus to meet back up with Essie and Lacie in Qingdao. By this time we had a pretty awesome relationship with the hostel manager and that next morning he walked us to the bus station. Before we left we were able to pray healing over his back….though there wasn’t instantaneous healing, he did feel the warmth of Holy Spirit beginning a healing work where our hands had been placed. As he walked us to the bus terminal, this man who had originally told us in broken english that he didn’t believe in anything…..came out in perfect english with…..”I believe in the power of Jesus”….our minds were blown as we got on that bus to Qingdao…. We made it to Qingdao that evening…ready to start the book work part of SQL training the next day……
The first assignment we were given was this thing called a self awareness survey. To be honest, I was not looking forward to doing this. It seemed boring…and trivial…and stupid…but it was required so I set to finishing it…little did I know..the Lord was going to use that assignment to rock my freakin socks off.
Through this survey I began to see who Soloman was….and is. I was asked to list a number of strengths and weaknesses, then relate how those strengths and weaknesses could affect others, etc…I had never even really thought about things like that before. So to get a bit vulnerable…Some of the hard things that I learned about myself included: in some areas false humility, laziness, pride, lack of spiritual discipline, lack of self discipline, and lack of self confidence- which turns out is an identity issue…..needless to say it was humbling to realize that I am even more broken than I ever imagined. For the first time, I began to not only see that I had dirty laundry…but I was beginning to see where each stain had come from. The cool thing is that Papa God wants to help me hand wash each piece.
The other side of the coin was that I got to think of some of the things that I’m good at: I have a ton of faith, I am flexible in many ways, I am a safe place for people to come and be who they are, I carry a large piece of the Father heart of God that makes people feel seen and loved, and that I do a pretty good job of not leaning on my own strength- in many aspects of my life I’ve learned that I can’t do things apart from God; in some I’m still learning.
During that week of training in Qingdao with Essie, Lacie, and Elva…we also learned about our love languages and took the enneagram test. Both of these things helped me to dive deeper into why I feel the way that I do in many cases and why I react the way that I do in many instances.
“You will never walk in discernment as long as you are not self aware.”
-Rob Reimer
After our time in Qingdao, we met the rest of the squad in Beijing for a few days and then headed into Mongolia….
Once in Ulaanbatar, the guys and girls split up for a few days so that the guys could walk through a series of teachings primarily centered on porn addiction and adultry. Again, I got rocked by the Lord…Though I’ve been walking in freedom from porn since I began the race, this series had so much for me. It delved into the deeper heart issues behind why we as people seek out porn and lust; for example…boredom, needing love, needing attention, feeling rejected, etc. Again, as we were listening to these sermons…I was becoming more and more self aware… The realization that even just sneaking glances of a lady in the wrong context is just as lustful and sinful as having sex or looking at porn brought me into a much deeper understanding of my outrageous need for Papa’s abounding grace and love. For the first time in a long time, I could tangibly feel the weight of my sin and I could see that it hurt God when I sought things outside of His love for comfort.
Learning all of these new/old things about myself over the time that I’ve also been receiving SQL training would make it easy to buy into the lie that I’m not worthy of being called up as an SQL for this awesome expedition squad, but im standing with truth:
“I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has strengthened me, because He considered me faithful, putting me into service, even though I was formerly a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent aggressor. Yet I was shown mercy because I acted ignorantly in unbelief; and the grace of our Lord was more than abundant, with the faith and love which are found in Christ Jesus. It is a trustworthy statement, deserving full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost of all. Yet for this reason I found mercy, so that in me as the foremost, Jesus Christ might demonstrate His perfect patience as an example for those who would believe in Him for eternal life.”
-1 Timothy 1:12-16
With this verse in mind I step into this role, utterly imperfect and broken…but humbled, ready to walk in a deeper measure of vulnerability than ever before. Ready to serve where I’ve been called and ready to grow. I’m excited to walk along side my brothers and sisters and share with them the lessons that Papa has taught me and the wisdom and vision that He has placed in my heart.
Please continue to pray for T Squad and it’s leadership. The Lord has and is continuing to do big things in and through us.
