You read that right. I am home, in Oconee County, Georgia. Now you might say, wait I thought you were Squad Leading and were suppose to be gone till the first week of June? Well you aren’t wrong but my plans kind of changed.
Going into this nine month journey I knew it was going to be hard. The Lord told me it was going to be a crushing season of refinement and maturity. I left with my squad in September, ready for nine more months on the mission field teaching and discipling my girls. Doing all that I had done on my own Race, plus more. It started out well. I was thriving. I was really enjoying myself. Learning so much, being poured into, pouring out, and loving the season that the Lord had led me into. Month two I got some pretty hard news about some stuff that was going on at home. But I knew, and I know, that God had His hands all over it and I did not need to worry. So, I pushed it to the back burner of my daily thoughts. But in reality it began to fester. Fester its way into different areas of my life. I began having some nightmares, but who doesn’t experience that on the mission field? That was my logic. I put off the nightmares, again to the back burner. I started to feel fear in areas of my life that were not normal, at least not normal for me. I was scared to be alone… Yes I am an extrovert but I really enjoy my alone time when I can get it. But this was different… I also started experiencing stomach pains, but again my logic was, who doesn’t on the mission field?
These things just began to fester and affect other areas of my life. But we were headed to Thailand! My favorite place in the world so of course I thought it was just all going to go away. Wrong. I had two panic attacks while in Thailand. I experienced more sleepless nights. I experienced anxiety that made it almost impossible to eat for more than two weeks. I was not in a healthy spot. I was overcome with fear in every area of my life. I could not bare to be alone. I would start crying with no reason.
So, I made the decision to come home. Now this decision was not made lightly. I fought as hard as I could for as long as I could. I want to thank my Gap T family for helping me fight for longer than I would have ever been able to on my own. I prayed, I begged, I pleaded. In the end, the Lord revealed that there are a lot of wounds that need to be taken care of. A lot of healing that needs to happen. Deep soul healing. Therefore, the decision to come home was made. It was not healthy for me to be on the field any longer.
Now let me say, I do not believe that God calls you to come home in the middle of a commitment. I believe that when a commitment is made you need to follow through. You need to be a man or woman that means yes when they say yes. I do not believe that God called me home. I do believe that God still loves me just the same, and will continue the work in me that He was doing. Ultimately, I made the decision because it was not healthy for me to lead out of the place that I was living.
So, I am home. Trying to figure out how to stand on my two feet again Stateside. I am going to allow room for that deep soul healing that needs to happen. I am going to love my friends and family with more intentionality than ever before. I am going to give God the space to do what He needs to do to shape and mold me into the woman He has for me. That season of refinement and maturity is not over, just continuing in a different place.
Gap T, thank you for becoming my new family. Thank you for loving me even when you did not have too. Thank you for teaching me more then you will ever know. Thank you for pushing me farther then I could have ever gone on my own. You all mean the world to me and I cannot wait to see y’all at PSL! Love you forever and ever Gap T, xoxo.
With love and hope,
Sav
