If you really knew me is an ice breaker that I was introduced to about two years ago when I was leading a group of girls at Young Life camp. It was a way that we would start cabin time, and it has been a way that I have gotten to know my community here on the Race. I introduced this concept to my team the first week that we were living together and it has stuck ever since.
When sitting with the Lord this last week, I felt the call to really express how I have been living the last few years. I am in the process of truly emptying myself so that I can be filled with the Holy Spirit fully. This looks like a lot of different things, but one major part of emptying yourself is bringing to light the sins and struggles I have dealt with. I want to bring to light the darkness that has consumed my life for the last few years so that the Lord can shine light on these things.
Here goes nothing:
If you really knew me, you would know that I have been obsessed with my weight, what I eat, and how much I workout for the last four years.
If you really knew me, you would know that for a year in college I was addicted to laxatives. I wanted to be thin but I didn’t want people to notice so I would eat with my friends then go home and take the laxative. If that *insert any type of food* is not in my body for long, it can’t make me fat, right? Wrong.
If you really knew me, you would know that I have been living in my “false self” since high-school. I would show the world that I was confident in who I was, but really I hated myself more then I care to admit.
If you really knew me, you would know that I would make myself busy in college so I wouldn’t eat. You would also know that I took pride in skipping meals.
If you really knew me, you would know that for the last four years I thought I would never be good enough for anyone to marry. Because why would anyone want to marry me if I was “fat”?
If you really knew me, you would know that this isn’t a day to day struggle. It is an hour to hour struggle. That I feel good about myself, then after I eat a meal I feel instantly guilty for what I just ate. No matter how healthy.
If you really knew me, you would know that these words have been ringing in my head since 2009… “You look so much better now that you have lost your baby weight.”
If you really knew me, you would know that I only feel “beautiful” if I haven’t eaten in a really long time.
If you really knew me, you would know that I have asked the Lord a hundred times what he thinks of me. And every time, I don’t actually care to know what He thinks because I would rather base my beauty off of world standards.
If you really knew me, you would know that I hired a personal trainer the month before I launched on the World Race. I wanted help in losing 10 pounds in one month.
If you really knew me, you would know how anxious I was about coming on the Race because I had only heard that most girls gain weight while on the field.
If you really knew me, you would know that I began having nightmares about gaining weight two weeks before I left on the Race.
If you really knew me, you would know that I have tried (and been successful twice) looking for a scale while on the Race. And because of the results, I worked out almost immediately and ate less or not at all.
If you really knew me, you would know that I assume everyone around me is just thinking about how big I am.
If you really knew me, you would know that I am tired of living in this slavery. I am tired of Satan telling me that I am not enough. That no one will ever love me. That everyone around me wishes I was thinner. I want to bring this to light because this past week I asked the Lord what he thought about me. And this time, the words actually stuck. When I asked the Lord what he thought about me, this is what he said…
You are Holy. You are lovely. You are beautiful. I am proud of you, Savannah.
This month, I am living in an apartment with 18 other girls. You can only imagine my thoughts day in and day out.
“Wow, she’s so thin…”
“Oh gosh, she didn’t eat as much as me at the last meal and now she says she’s not hungry. Why am I hungry?”
The thoughts are almost second nature at this point. My teammates have done a good job at pointing out the negative things that I have to say about myself that I do not even realize anymore. They have done a great job at lifting me up and encouraging me to see myself the way the Lord sees me.
Holy. Lovely. Beautiful.
Now, do I just know this and BAM! My self worth issues are gone? Absolutely not. It is a constant battle of reminding myself what the Lord has to say about me. When those negative thoughts flood in, I have to take a step back and remember. Is it easier some days than others? Of course.
I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad, or to give me encouraging comments. I am telling you this about myself so that Satan doesn’t have a foothold here anymore. That I can begin to walk in the freedom the Lord wants me to walk in. To remember, no matter what the world has to say, I know what the Lord says about me.
With love and vulnerability,
Sav
