I’ve learned a lot about heartbreak and although I’m positive there are worse things in the world, sometimes in the midst of heartache, we don’t see that. What I have learned through all heartache is the constant remnant and cornerstone Jesus can can become if we allow Him to.
2019 was the hardest year so far. It brought tears, grieving the loss of love, strain and loss of trust with Jesus. I watched people I loved hurt me and taint my dreams. I questioned my ability as a woman to love and be loved. I let the hurt from others and the lies of the enemy shape my heart to the point I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I outright denied the goodness of Jesus and firmly believed He did not love me or take care of his people.
There were some good things from this year. I saw the constant pursuit of Jesus. No matter how hard I shoved Him away and blatantly denied Him, I watched His people gather around and love me well. And I was kind of a super mega bitch so I know it was Him making these people stay! I learned the value and importance of forgiveness and how its for me and not them. I learned there are people in life that just are not worth fighting for. There are people that are only capable of hurting you, themselves and others. I was watching the rain the other day and all I could think about was how it represented life. In the middle of the rain, its not always the prettiest. But soon after the rain brings new life, growth to the plants and refreshment. I think that’s what happens in our hearts when we allow Jesus to bring new growth, it brings a since of refinement and hope.
In the middle of doing everything in my power to ignore Jesus, he did lead me to a special gift. About a year ago a friend told me about a summer camp in Indiana for underprivileged kids with one parent homes. She told me she thought I would be a good fit for it but I was in school full time so I couldn’t. The same summer camp popped back up this summer and before I even knew it was Jesus based, I jumped on the opportunity to apply. I go to fill out my application and the first question was “Tell us about your relationship with Jesus today”. I nearly threw up at the thought of having to tell them I basically did not have one and possibly loosing this opportunity. But i knew I couldn’t lie. I reluctantly but very honestly filled it out and got a call back to do a phone interview via facetime. I even told my mom and Sydney “If i get this job, we will know it’s Jesus because that was not the cookie cutter my relationship with Jesus is perfect interview”. I got the job! I move in June! And it was a reminder that just because my life is coming out of a thunderstorm it doesn’t mean Jesus can’t use me or doesn’t know the desires of my heart. Perhaps it will be a season of refreshment and new life.
I start UAB next semester. That’s exciting but I’ll be more excited when I never have to go to college again:) Other than that that’s really all! Happy new year!!
